A Review Of Popular Fruit
Fruit is great. Thinking about fruit makes your thoughts 100% more likely to be about fruit, at any given time. Well, not any given time but the times when you are, in fact, thinking of fruit. Some people like to pluralize the word “fruit” as “fruits.” Those peoples just really don’t know anything about pluralization.
You may be interested in fruit, but not know enough about it. Here’s a tip: you should get really into fruit. Trust me, fruit will NOT disappoint you. Everyone who has ever felt like there was something missing in their life was really just waiting for fruit.
According to the latest polls, fruit is still a food item. Even after all these years, it is widely accepted that fruit remains edible — that’s commitment. Can raw meat make that claim? The next time you have to eat something I hope you’ll consider fruit. Here are some reviews of popular fruit to get you started. A note to complainers, fruit enthusiasts, and fruit enthusiasts who are equally enthused by complaining this list is not exhaustive: there is much more to come.
Fruit Reviews: Installment 1
Banana: For whatever reason, this fruit is almost methodically yellow. It starts out a bit plodding, but what else would you expect from a fruit that comes with its own hammock? Overall it is very entertaining, despite its penchant for hackneyed physical comedy. The banana’s preposterous oblong shape belies a more serious side — one that provides millions with potassium and other key nutrients. Despite the banana’s substantive material, it goes down easy. You won’t find a more delicious phallus anywhere. I guarantee it.
Apple: What is there to say about this classic that hasn’t already been said? They are so red and delicious that one of their varieties is literally “Red Delicious.” The rest of their cultivars sound like indie band names: Granny Smith, Golden Noble, Grenadier — and those are just the “G”s! (*See sub-list: “Apple Cultivars that would make incredible indie band names” below.) The apple is a true masterpiece. Plus, a single apple per day will drive away any doctors who are lurking around your premises, which has been a real problem for me since I began paying all my co-pays in apples.
Without apples, how would working-class Bostonians taunt nerds? What would dentists give out on Halloween as a compromise with their spouse after they were begged to no longer distribute toothbrushes? Without apples, it would be that much harder to make horses look like they were talking. Are you trying to make things harder for horses?
Pear: Screw pears. Seriously, fool me into thinking you’re an apple-substitute once, shame on you. Fool me into thinking you’re an apple-substitute twice, shame on you again. No shame on me, Pears! You taste like a headache.
Red Grapes: Someone told me if you eat eight red grapes on New Year’s Eve you will have good luck. You do, but you use it all up not choking on eight grapes. This fruit is a tempestuous bunch. They can be so sweet one minute and then suddenly without warning, things can turn sour. It’s difficult not to feel like they’re ganging up on you at times.
Have you ever seen just one red grape hanging out alone in the park reading a book? When’s the last time you heard of a single grape signing up for an Outward Bound solo? Never, the answer is never. They’re extremely codependent. They’re always grouped together in one big bunch, or several smaller bunches, and, even then, if you leave them alone for too long they get really whiny. Literally, they become wine.
*Sub-list: 25 Apple Cultivars That Would Make Great Indie Band Names
2. Beauty of Bath
3. Cox’s Orange Pippin
5. Esopus Spitzenburg
6. Flower of Kent
11. Newton Wonder
12. Northern Spy
13. Pink Pearl
14. Red Prince
15. Rhode Island Greening
16. Rome Beauty
22. White Transparent
23. Westfeld Seek-No-Further
25. Wolf River
A | A | A
It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.