The Food Network’s Best Foods For A Food Fight
“In a food fight, you’d probably be fine arming yourself with anything from the menu of a diner, a drive-in, or a dive. However, spaghetti tends to really splatter, so it’s hands down my number one choice for getting a group of your buds together and slinging some chow. Keep the pasta al dente and be sure to salt it while it is in the water; you won’t get another chance to season it. This is especially true, if you are concussed by a gravy boat when the food fight starts without warning and your friends frost your tips while you’re unconscious — trust me, it happens.
In food fights, just as in life, the best offense is a good defense, which is why I always wear Oakleys on my neck to protect the eyes I had installed in the back of my head. Nobody burns Guy twice (except those deliciously spicy cherry ribs I ate as leftovers this morning)! When you prepare your food fight spaghetti, don’t forget: the riper the tomatoes, the redder the sauce. Nothing says ‘food fight done right’ like bright red stains on your bro’s heirloom tablecloth. Also, I want to use this opportunity to state for the record — though I appreciate the fan mail — that I am not a bodacious lesbian.”
“For food fights, this treat is great for smearing on people’s faces, y’all. Unless you’re a vegetarian — that’s because I somehow managed to get meat into this cake which is made entirely of butter. Butter is the buttercake’s sole ingredient and yet there’s still pork in here; take that, grass-eaters. I did this through a secret Southern cooking trick I like to call ‘Paula’s murderous voodoo.’ I’m tryin’ to kill y’all. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear.”
“Jeffrey is going to be so surprised when he hears I told you this, but the secret to any good food fight is to just use really good ingredients. They don’t have to be the most expensive, just the kind of ingredients that went to private schools and use the word ‘summer’ as a verb — anything that would look appropriate in a Nancy Meyers movie. Chocolate milk is great for food fights, especially when some of your friends are coming over for a breakfast tea, or a meeting luncheon, or a dinner supper — pretty much all the best two-worded Hamptons activities. Also, for soirées, but I think that’s just stating the obvious.
I make chocolate milk for all of my friends: Bruce, Ken, Daniel, Gay James, Bi James, Jamie, who’s also gay, everyone. First off, make sure you get really good milk and then mix it with really good chocolate. Here’s a secret tip: go to a nice farmer’s market and find some locally-sourced milk, then go to law school, graduate, pass the bar, get a job at one of the top three law firms in the country, work extremely hard for many years, make partner, invest wisely, get extremely lucky in the stock market, win a cash settlement from an accident, inherit a fortune, and then buy a home in the Hamptons and a top of the line side-by-side refrigerator within which to keep the milk. Then add chocolate syrup and a pinch of coffee to bring out the flavor. How easy is that?”
Giada de Laurentiis
“Food fights really remind me of high school. I had an amazing time in high school and, though I’ve never met any of my viewers, I can say without a doubt that we definitely would not have been friends. In high school, like today, I was what’s called ‘popular’ and also ‘good-looking’; it’s kind of my schtick. That’s what daily 5 a.m. yoga gets you. Ha!
Anyway, just mix some avocado with limes and other stuff. I used to work my well-manicured and already insanely boney fingers to an even harsher bone, but I learned from watching Chopped that it really doesn’t matter what the hell you do in the kitchen. All that matters is that you tell a lengthy story about your roots and how you’re cooking today to prove to your withholding Doberman named ‘Gabriel’ that you really are worth his love and affection. Thanks, Chopped.
Look motherf-ckers, I didn’t study at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris to yak about my Nana and explain to morons that if you don’t know what a mezzaluna is then you’re better off just boiling a hot dog. You know what? I change my answer. Go throw mezzalunas and hot dogs at each other. I’m sick of his sh-t.”
Gastroballs in a molecular cocktail with a side of deconstructed ice
“As the human-embodiment of Beaker from The Muppets, I know that the only way to win a food fight is by using science. Molecular gastronomy is awesome and my interest in it is definitely not a byproduct of my failed attempt at creating a meth lab. First, you’re going to want to rent a fishing boat and take it out into international waters, because the gastroballs are technically illegal to make in the United States. Once you have that done, the rest is a cinch. Deconstructed ice is actually just water. But if you throw that in someone’s eyes, there’s no way they’re going to hit you with a fist full of mashed potatoes. Isn’t science amazing?”
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I mean, our grocery store doesn’t even label their herbs. They just have a refrigerated bevy of little green plastic-wrapped baggies. Can’t tell the difference between fresh cilantro and fresh parsley? Too bad, you fucking troglodyte.
Not a morning person? Make breakfast in advance and stick it in the fridge for easy grab-n-go morning sustenance. But if you do this, think frittata over fried egg. Trust me on this one.
This was a song that went viral back in 2002 and pretty much sums up my personal 90s teenybopper era.
In 2005 my father went to the doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor assured him it was heartburn and sent him home with Tums and no further testing. My father came home and died of a heart attack later that day.