All The Songs About DJs
Last night something happened to me. It’s happened to all of us. Sometimes we are aware of it and sometimes we remain completely ignorant. Or maybe we refuse to acknowledge it, because, if we were to actually admit it occurred — what would it mean? What would it say about the world? What would it say about us? Well, I’m not scared anymore. Or maybe I am still scared, but some things in life are worth pushing through that fear.
And this wasn’t the first time. A DJ has saved my life before, usually by pumping the party while Angie Brown threats to “get me.” The very first time that a DJ saved my life with a song was in 1982. And it got me thinking: What else has this DJ, this very same jockey of discs, done?
It turns out this DJ character hasn’t always been the nicest guy. In fact, sometimes he’s kind of a dick. Apparently, he was once neighbors with the legendary musician Clarence Clemmons. He unilaterally refused to let Clarence sleep, while insisting on playing his brand new beats… all night long. Give the devil his due, Clarence should have probably filed a noise complaint with the city, or called his landlord, rather than just exploding into a vicious saxphone solo.
However, there must be some redeeming qualities to this DJ. He is after all Cheap Trick’s best friend. Even though, as Cheap Trick concedes, DJ does get him crazy. That makes sense because from what Tom Petty says, DJ is pretty free-spirited and “he don’t wanna change what don’t need to change.” It also sounds like Tom weighed in on the whole Clarence Clemmons situation.
DJ’s quite the enigma. Even the basics, like is “DJ” a first name or a last name? Zhane seems pretty conflicted about whether “DJ” is DJ’s surname, or not. How can we get to the bottom of whether Zhane knows DJ informally or not? Maybe they just have a complicated relationship –like the one DJ has with Ke$ha. Questions circle around them, such as, does she mean “f-ck him, he’s a DJ” or “f-ck him he’s a DJ“? Maybe she means “f-ck him, he’$ a DJ.”
Ke$ha might just be jealou$ because ATB is in love with DJ. Quite the cupid, DJ has Usher and Pitbull falling in love, again. And while Usher and Pitbull didn’t explicitly say that the object of their love was each other, they also didn’t say it wasn’t. With all of DJ’s romantic drama, it must be nice to have friends for support, so it is a good thing DJ is still close with Lil Wayne. I wonder what fun DJ, Cheap Trick and Lil’ Wayne get up to? Probably checkers.
DJ’s talents aren’t limited to attracting love. Apparently, DJ is an ace interior designer as well. David Bowie really has a thing for his window treatments. DJ is certainly in high demand, fielding request from even the queen of pop herself. If Necessity is the mother of Invention, then Madonna is the mother of Reinvention — and that mother has a baby with which she’d like to dance.
After all this what else would someone so respected, loathed and loved as DJ do next, but start a cultish religion or a religion-ish cult? DJ’s actions led Pink to poise her theory — based on stuff she’s seen with her third eye — that “If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm, and you are the music.” Also, flying in the face of their band name, Faithless answered Pink’s question by unequivocally stating their belief that God is, in fact, a DJ. They provided supporting evidence of their findings in five official remixes including a “serious danger” remix. If you’re wondering, the serious danger is this video giving you reoccurring night terrors.
Most of all, DJ is just sick of your insane demands, Britney, Jennifer Lopez, Jet, Rihanna, Jamie Foxx, and Twista. Potential cult leadering and horrible neighboring aside, DJ is saving lives for God’s (DJ’s) sake! Why don’t you all just give DJ a break? If you’re really in a jam, I heard Beck can help out. Despite his thoughts being dominated by a nefarious haircut, I remember him saying something about having two turntables and a microphone. That sounds like where it’s at.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”