A Field Guide To Easter Candy
1. The Marshmallow Chick
Presentation: The Adult Male Marshmallow Chick weighs approximately 1.5oz and has a yellow bill—as well as a yellow neck, a yellow body, a yellow tail and a yellow… undercarriage. This lemon yellow plumage is designed to ward off the Marshmallow Chick’s most vicious predators such as, Marshmallow Chicken hawks, Gelatin Gophers, Fondant Foxes, Campfires, and Human Teeth.
Additionally, the Marshmallow Chick has what appear to be eyes on either side of its head structure, yet their vision remains remarkably poor. Their continued existence remains one of Darwin’s mysteries, as they do absolutely nothing to thwart attackers aside from molting sugar everywhere.
Habitat: The Marshmallow Chick’s habitat has declined markedly over the last fifty years due to degradation and dredging of plastic Easter grasslands for agriculture. Before the Industrial Farming movement, lush fields of synthetic green, yellow, and pink Easter grass swathed North America. Marshmallow Chicks roamed free, growing to the average size of a watermelon and competing with antelopes for food. Unfortunately, due to overhunting the Marshmallow Chick population thinned considerably.
In the 1920’s, Marshmallow Chicks were almost wiped out by money-hungry Mallomar Traders (who discarded their pelts and used their flesh to make the filling for Mallomars, a 1920’s delicacy) and money-hungry Poachers (who discarded their flesh and used their pelts to make yellow fedoras, which were very popular at the time). The Great S’more Craze of 1953 didn’t really help either. However, in recent years Marshmallow Chicks have enjoyed a marked resurgence due to environmental activism and the ban on concealed crossbows, which are the traditional Marshmallow Chick hunting weapon.
Observation: Easiest to find, and most rewarding to observe, in spring, mainly March-May, when they reach sexual maturity signified by their pronounced beak, full bush and delicious taste.
Voice: Male produces popping sounds, audible over a considerable distance when they are heated in a microwave oven.
Fun Fact: Due to their insolubility in water many Marshmallow Chicks were drowned as witches during the Salem Witch Trials.
2. The Chocolate Bunny
Presentation: The Chocolate Bunny is North America’s most abundant Easter candy, due to its lascivious nature and lack of access to birth control. Undercoat color varies from brown to white and may be marked with streaks, almonds, bits of crunchy rice, or other imperfections. Foil topcoat may be inconspicuous. Tail is relatively larger than the European Rabbit. Also, tail is made of chocolate.
Dimensions: Ranging from 1 oz. to more than 20 pounds. Multiple variables affect the weight at maturity of the Adult Female, including harsh winters, droughts or whether or not it is hollow.
Habitat: Alpine and subalpine regions, canyons and caves, forests and woodlands, scrub,
shrub and brush, swamps, marshes and bogs; underwater, outer space, and closets — basically anywhere one can place a brightly colored basket. Their primary predators are the Sweet-Toothed Tiger and pregnant women.
Observation: Chocolate bunnies are best viewed by a mature audience during mating season, which may begin as early as February and last until the following January because they literally will not stop getting busy.
Voice: Sounds a lot like Mel Blanc.
Fun Fact: While usually possessing a very docile temperament, The Chocolate Bunny is an evolutionary descendant of The Chocolate Velociraptor and it has the physical ability to tear the human body to shreds.
3. The North American Jelly Bean
Presentation: The average length of the Adult Male Jelly Bean is 2 cm. The jelly bean exhibits a huge variety of dazzling colors and peculiar patterns. The jelly bean’s bright and sleek skin has different functions. Sometimes the vivid hues act as camouflage when a jelly bean rests on a surface with a matching background. Their unique coloring is also used to help with species-recognition during the mating process. Some of the most striking patterns on certain jelly bean subclasses warn predators that they have toxic flesh. For example it might be bubble gum, buttered popcorn, or tutti frutti flavored.
Observation: The North American Jelly Bean is a free-roaming pack species. They are
highly mobile, and if you do not keep a tight fix on them then they will quickly disappear (usually into the mouths of jerks).
Habitat: A group of jelly beans is called “an assortment”. An assortment of jelly beans
usually congregates in large glass jars. Each year, approximately 300,000 math students in the U.S. quickly bore of guesstimating the exact number of jelly beans in any given jar.
Little known fact: this boredom is caused by math. Jelly beans can also be spotted to a
lesser extent in the mall, the movies, or the hands of a senior citizen switching it up from toffee.
Mating: Like penguins, jelly beans mate for life—something to think about that next time you eat an odd number of them.
Fun Fact: For a long time, jelly beans were used as toilet paper, by idiots.
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.