36 Reasons Why I No Longer Know Somebody That I Used To Know
1. They are not on TV.
2. They moved all the way to Brooklyn and not even right off the F subway line. Well okay, it is off the F line, but the F train isn’t running back into Manhattan on weekends right now. I’m not spending the rest of my day finding another train to take home; we weren’t married.
3. Head transplant.
4. I didn’t go to their eco-friendly scavenger hunt costume-required vampire-themed farm-to-table destination wedding. Well, I did, but I didn’t buy them something from the registry.
5. They changed the name of their band too many times.
6. We saw each other on the sidewalk and I started to wave, but then it looked like they weren’t going to wave so then I stopped.
7. They are an artisan and they used the word “artisan” to describe themselves in front of me.
8. When we were roommates I heard everything. And so did they.
9. We took a really long car trip together once, and the cassette deck kept spitting out the plastic tape part of my CD/iPod adapter. It felt like their car was rejecting me. Also, their radio antenna was broken, so we have literally met our lifetime conversation word limit and can never speak again.
10. They got really, really religious and that religion is something called “CrossFit”.
11. Their Facebook profile photo is a landscape and now I have forgotten what they look like and wouldn’t
know them if I saw them.
12. I technically still know her; I just don’t know how she does it.
13. They started using “we” instead of “I” when referring to themselves. They do it so consistently that now I’m no longer sure if they are in a relationship or have multiple personality disorder.
14. I’m suffering from acute selective memory loss brought on by embarrassment over a traumatic karaoke
15. They got that mask from Jim Carrey’s The Mask stuck to their face, and now they have to live in 1994.
16. I never recognize them anymore because they look so different after all that plastic surgery to fix their deviated nasal septum. Who knew that breasts had nasal septums?
17. Groucho glasses addiction.
18. They are brandishing a knife in my face and I’m banking on the fact that what I don’t know won’t hurt me.
19. Their catch up emails are always over the phone and sound suspiciously like drunk dials.
20. Their identity was stolen. So, while I still technically know them, the “them” I know is an identity thief.
21. Our late-night heart to heart turned into a fist-to-head.
22. I thought I knew them, but it turns out you can never really know anyone. So I don’t know them and if I don’t know them by now, I will never ever ever know them.
23. I got tired of lying about movies I’d seen in order to prevent them from verbally recounting entire plots for me, scene by scene, in order to make a reference.
24. They joined Anonymous and now nobody knows them.
25. You saw what knowing did to Nick Cage right? I’m trying to avoid a similar fate.
26. Either they became a professional mascot or have a very unique fetish, but regardless it’s very difficult to sustain a conversation with someone who has no official mouth.
27. They lost all their hair in a ponzi scheme.
28. While doing an interview for a controversial Dateline investigation their face got permanently pixilated after an extreme pixilation mishap.
29. They voted for someone in an American Idol competition. It’s not some kind of North pitted against South Civil War-style dispute because I didn’t want that person to win. It’s because they voted for someone in an American Idol competition.
30. I still know them, just not Biblically anymore.
31. Their new haircut makes them look exactly like a hole in the wall and now I can’t tell them apart, or even think of a better way to express this situation to people.
32. They wear fake eyelashes. And fake eyes.
33. Face tattoo.
34. NBC produced a The More You Know public service announcement about them, but it never aired because it featured the cast of Community and NBC just really can’t make up their minds about that show.
35. Something grew between us. That thing was their waxed handlebar moustache.
36. They don’t text.
A | A | A
It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.