A Collection Of Bad Advice That I, Perhaps From Experience, Advise You Not To Follow
Yes I can see, just keep backing up. You’ve got plenty of room behind you.
You should sleep on that French braid!
Just hide it in your backpack — they can’t search your person.
You should just drive to Toronto; it’s so much easier than flying.
You have to join this club called Columbia House. They mail you any 12 CDs for only 99¢!
How can you tell if you’re really allergic to it unless you eat some more?
Try this! It’s blue.
Take the train — it’s such a romantic way to travel.
Just go to the dental school, it’s much cheaper and they’ve learned most of the important stuff already.
You should dye your hair blond.
You should dye your hair black.
You should grow your hair really long, like past your boobs.
You should shave your head.
You should get a body wave!
You should always wear hats.
No, it’s definitely the left side for appendicitis.
You’re fine! Just chug a glass of water and let’s go to the next bar.
A college essay is supposed to be funny.
You should take the overnight bus — its 11 hours but you’ll sleep practically the whole time.
It’s actually easier to learn to drive on a standard.
You should just sing that oral report.
You don’t actually have to serve jury duty unless it’s for the county in which you were born.
Feed a fever, drown a cold.
The best cure for poison ivy? Bleach.
Just glue it back together. Your parents will never notice.
No, I’m pretty sure you can’t study for AP exams.
You don’t really need any equipment for camping.
It’s fine. Dogs can only give rabies to other dogs, not humans.
Just get really drunk before you get on the plane.
A vibrant yellow is perfect for your bedroom because it’s so cheerful.
You can make it — gun it.
You can’t get scarlet fever twice.
You should climb in her window and leave a note on her pillow. It’s so romantic.
Don’t bother bringing a map — we can just ask someone.
It’s not a big deal, jump in. No one ever remembers this, but people just instinctually know how to swim.
Times Square is the only place to be on New Year’s Eve.
You should go to the Village Halloween parade! It’s awesome.
You’ve never been to the St. Patrick’s Day parade? We’re going.
The Zodiac killer is just an urban legend.
Oh no, bread can’t expire.
Permanent markers aren’t actually permanent.
Shake it off. It doesn’t look broken and a sprain actually hurts worse than a break.
Just major in whatever you’re most interested in.
Always, always, keep batteries in the freezer.
You can’t get scarlet fever three times.
Don’t rehearse, it’s more spontaneous.
You can’t get motion sickness on the Gravitron because it’s going in a circle.
It he tries to mug you just play dead. Or run away in a zigzag pattern.
Why don’t you write both papers at once? It’ll be faster.
Babysitting is a great way to make some extra money, plus kids are so cute.
Just rub a cold washcloth on your sore throat—it’s soothing.
Scoliosis is an old wives’ tale.
“Liquor before beer unless it’s clear.” So, like, just get something gin-based.
Don’t smell it; just eat it really fast.
That’s only in the movies. No one ever actually gets caught pulling the fire alarm.
I think you should go with the Fung Wah bus; it’s only $15 a ticket.
For the last time, you can keep holding it. Sparklers go out on their own.
There is no “too early” when it comes to “I love you.”
Baking soda and baking powder are the same thing; this cake is going to be delicious.
Owls are great pets!
Buy it on Canal Street. They never raid those Chinatown stands anymore.
Don’t take anymore than two shots before the presentation, but definitely take at least one.
Tupperware can go in the oven as long as it’s below 375?
Go running later, when it’s dark — that way the park will be less crowded.
A great first date is going to a comedy club, or get one of those tandem bicycles. Or both!
You don’t need an electrician for that — just do it yourself.
Grapes have no nutritional value.
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I’ve been in cars with them when they’re full of liquor, seesawing on their feet but steady on the road. Farm boys have a grasp on a steering wheel, they were born holding it.
I desperately wanted to be a cool Gen X-er in the 90’s but there are a few reasons why I’m glad that never happened.
While I am glad that women of every age and demographic are discovering a form of pornography that allows them to enjoy their sexuality a bit more, this madness over the “50 Shades” trilogy and it’s insipid upcoming film adaptation…
I just wanna wallow in some sad, sad songs and hide on the couch with the cat. Do you also feel this way? Good, because I’ve made you a mini-playlist just for that purpose!