This Is How You Lost The Best You’d Ever Had

I wash my sheets because I can’t stand to think that he was laying here just last night. It’s not about him, it’s me. I feel dirty and impure. I don’t love him, hell, I don’t even like him. He’s not someone I would ever even think of dating, yet here I am, and there he was just a few hours ago. He fulfills my desires, but only the physical ones. He’s never crossed over to the depths of my heart where all the darkness and hurt lies. He’s never touched my soul, only my body. The worst part is that he doesn’t want to. The realization that someone only wants you for the way you look is a hard pill to swallow. So I clean my sheets and I lay in them tonight. I don’t feel so dirty anymore because it seems as if I’ve erased him from my life in these soft sheets that smell of lavender instead of the musty smell of his skin. My mind slowly drifts to sleep and I don’t think of him at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find meaning in these dimly lit nightclubs taking shots of clear, burning liquid and dancing seductive to the beats. I go to escape. I know I’m not going to meet Mr. Right anywhere in here, but I still find myself looking. I’m wasted in just an hour, which was my goal all along. It doesn’t hurt so much when the alcohol numbs my brain.

I hate thinking of you, of us. So I go out instead.

I kiss strangers and dance with people that I’ll never see again, and at first I’m having fun. Then morning comes and the first thing I see is your smiling face. Why do you always haunt me?

I search through all the social networks trying to find out who your next victim is. You were not my first love, but I liked you. You were the second guy I ever kissed, the second guy I was ever with. I guess that doesn’t mean anything to you. I wasn’t special to you, I was just someone to mess around with. You didn’t consider my feelings or how upset I would be when you left me without warning. I should have known. I should have stopped the stupid fairy tale playing in my head and I should have pressed fast forward to the credits because what we had didn’t mean anything anyway.

I hate myself every day for sleeping with both of you. I ask myself what I was thinking, but I already know the answer to that.

I only ever wanted to be accepted and loved.

To be someone’s one and only. I’ve never been able to have that and it eats at me continuously. I struggle with not thinking I’m good enough just because you tossed me away like the papers people ball up and shoot like basketballs. I know it was silly of me to think we would ever be what I wanted, but you knew I was falling and you didn’t stop it.

I’m sad and confused, but I’m stronger too. You have all taught me some very valuable lessons. I’ll never open myself up to anyone who doesn’t deserve it, I’ll never listen to pretty lies whispered in my ear, and I’ll never stay with someone who doesn’t make me happy. I guess I should thank you all for teaching me what I want in a partner.

What has this generation come to? One night stands and casual, continuous hookups with people you don’t even like. What happened to loving someone and making sacrifices for one another? What happened to making plans and breaking down every wall that gets built up in front of you?

I only hope that I can find someone that makes me their queen. I want to fight for love. I want to feel alive and breathe in every scent of my lover.

I want someone who would risk it all. I’ll wait forever if that’s what it takes because I’m not settling for anything less.

I’m tired of cleaning my sheets and crossing guys off my list. I’m sick of feeling guilt and regret. This is my final goodbye to you, to all of you. We live and we learn and that’s what category you will go in. I’m done with you and I don’t need your validation to make me know I am worthy of love. Thanks for the memories. I’m ready to find myself and take care of me. No more trying to impress all the guys that don’t deserve my time. This is the last time I clean my sheets from you. This is the last time I call you and wonder where you are.

This is the last time I wonder what could have been.

Goodbye and good luck because you lost the best you ever had.