November 30, 2016

Since I Can’t Love You, I’ll Love What I Remember About You

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Nathan Walker
Nathan Walker

How do I say I want you back?

I mean, I left you. I broke your heart. I watched you suffer and I walked away. Really, I just wanted you to feel my pain. I wanted you to understand what it felt like for someone to choose something else instead of you. It’s not that I wanted to hurt you, I just wanted you to be able to see my point of view.

How do I get you back? The thing is, for the first time, you don’t want me back. I’d like to say I’m happy for you and all that other stuff that people say just to be nice, but what I really feel is regret. Now that I don’t have you around I feel empty. Not empty like I can’t go on, but empty like when I smile it never reaches my heart. When I laugh, there’s still that sting. When I cry, I cry a lot more than I should.

You are always in my mind and I can’t get you out. Everything reminds me of you and the worst part is that it’s the stupid little things. Brownie brittle, a soccer ball, the mountains, my Hawaiian Islands birthmark. I remember being afraid the other day that I was on the verge of forgetting you so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and conjured up your memory.

Wide fingers, hands dry from the winter wind, freckles lining your arms. I remembered touching the stubble on your cheek and how it would poke me when I kissed you. I could almost feel the way your hair felt under my hands; soft, a little dry, and a slight amount of oil that would linger on my fingertips. Then there were your eyes. Small and simple with wrinkles around your eyelids from squinting. They were green and when the light hit them it was like starring into green meadows.

I was so scared I was beginning to forget you that I traced every inch of you to brand it into my brain. Then the tears came, but they weren’t the normal kind. They were the tears of reliving a beautiful glimpse in time.

I’m sure everyone gets tired of hearing about you. They give reasons for your actions and I always say “No, he’s not like that.” I refuse to believe you are like any other typical guy. I know you aren’t. You love deeply and you mean what you say. When you care about someone you always will.

So every day I wonder if you’ve forgotten about me or if you don’t love me anymore. But then I remember you, and I know that can’t be true. Sure, you’ve moved on and lived your life, but I know you haven’t forgotten me because I haven’t lived a day without remembering you.

We both see other people and distract our minds by friends and responsibilities, but there’s always that moment when I wonder where you are, what you’re doing, how you feel. I know you do it too.

So how do I say I want you back? I don’t have to. I’ll always want you and deep down you already know that.

I hate accepting that we don’t always get what we want. I hate knowing we may not ever be together again.

So tonight I’ll love your memory since I can’t love you. TC mark

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