Bugs suck. They look like scary little aliens who want to kill us and eat our remains, and they’re dirty/gross. But they’re everywhere, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I think it’s been scientifically proven that if bugs stopped existing, people would stop existing, so suck it up and deal. It’s time to realize that you have all the power in the Women vs. Bug battle. You are roughly 1,000 times the size of any moth/spider/silverfish, so woman up. If you’re like me (terrified by everything except ladybugs) tell yourself “You is smart, you is kind, you is important,” then get a can of Raid and go to town. If you’re a tree-hugger who would rather die than kill a living thing, capture them in a glass jar and release them back into the wild while softly chanting a Buddhist verse. The fact of the matter is, if you’re over 18, having a crippling fear of bugs makes you annoying. There’s no way a bug can take your life (unless it’s a black widow) and even then, there’s this thing called “modern medicine” that will provide you with anti-venom so you don’t lose your leg. (Side note: This is more me hyping myself than anything else.) Moving on!
2. Your vagina being ugly
There is no such thing as a “normal” vagina, trust. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes, and you need to memory erase, Men In Black style, whatever porn you’ve watched that’s made you believe your vag needs to be hairless, pink and small. Yes, I know I wrote a chapter in a book about a girl who gets a labiaplasty on her “hideous” vagina, but that girl is a fool. A lovable fool, but a fool nonetheless. I’ve talked to a bunch of guys about this, because I wanted to know if they really care at the end of the day what a girl’s vagina looks like, and you know what? The majority of them say that all vaginas look about the same to them, because they’re just happy being next to/inside of one. So get over your vagina woes, because life could be worse. You could have a tiny penis!
3. Straight men
Straight guys are interesting, they’re funny, and often times they’re far more complex than they seem. Yes, they can be assholes, but they can also be brotherly and amazing. This is a weird one for me, because straight males accounted for the majority of my friend circles during my teens/early 20s. I loved hanging out with dudes. Then I moved to LA and all my straight man friends were replaced with gay man friends, which was just as enjoyable, but definitely different. Suddenly, I was dating straight guys instead of friending them. I started to lose my mojo, and soon enough, the Straight Man became my Moby Dick. I sought him, yet I feared he would destroy me. I was so intimidated! Especially when they were tall, hot and acting kind of rude. However, one day I realized that, in the dating world, straight guys are pretty easy to figure out. It dawned on me that if they’re pursuing you, they want to sleep with you, and you are in total control of where/when/if that happens, regardless of whether or not you want to sleep with them. Boom! No fear.
You are going to get old. Your face and body are going to age, and eventually you’ll be a little, saggy, wrinkle-lump of a person. But you know what? If you’ve made it that far, at least you’re still alive! Unless you’re Gisele, you really don’t need to worry about aging because your livelihood is not based on your looks, thank God. However, if you want to live a totally preventative lifestyle, you can wear sunscreen, work out, abstain from alcohol and cigarettes, drink eight to ten glasses of water a day and get at least eight hours of sleep a night. What’s that? How are you supposed to have any fun on this anti-aging plan? YOU’RE NOT! Because fun ages you; it turns you into a different version of yourself. Too much fun will force you to learn scary life lessons — some that you will hopefully look back on one day and laugh and laugh and laugh about with your saggy, wrinkly friends. If you’re inclined to be all “OMG nooooooooooooo!” about getting old, there’s always plastic surgery. But you better start making that money, honey, because facelifts ain’t cheap.
5. Ending up alone
“When am I gonna find a man? When’s it my turn? When will I get married?” = THE WORST. You are not going to be alone forever! Get off of Facebook and start enjoying the single life while you still can. Right now, you are totally free. You don’t have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. every day to make breakfast for your demanding family and take the kids to school. You don’t have to deal with your husband’s receding hairline, or expanding waistline. “Baby weight” is not part of your vocabulary. Additionally, the whole “Where IS he?!” question is so lame. It makes you sound like you’re standing around and waiting for the relationship stork to deliver a boyfriend to your doorstep. You have to put yourself out there. If you want to get married badly enough, trust me, you WILL get married to someone, somewhere. But right now, make the most of your time to hang out with your friends, sleep in, work jobs you hate, work jobs you love, go a little crazy, date some weirdos, and then settle down. There’s a chance that you may not even be married (or be with a man) toward the end of your life, but unless you’re a total asshole, you’ll have some friends, and maybe some kids who will see you through your twilight years. A friend of mine gave me a pin a few months ago that said “You are all you need,” which is some deep truth. You are actually all you will ever need. Think about it.