Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter
Eli is my five-year old son. He has an older brother, Slade. Slade writes fiction and spends a substantial amount of time on FlipNotes, so he rarely says anything worth quoting. Eli, on the other hand, has unknown goals and will say things that I feel other people could relate to, so I occasionally quote him via Twitter and once on Autostraddle.
Below is a collection of most of the quotes from my Twitter feed that I could find in one hour, in chronological order.
LANEIA! Hot lava is on your head JUST KIDDING!
Eli: Guess what I'm gonna put on my peanut butter and jelly!
me: "What?" Eli: "Jelly and peanut butter."
I just scared myself half-alive!
I'm going to give Slade this fortune cookie present. It's from CHINA!
Eli: NO I'M NOT DEAD. NO!
Slade: Laneia he's not dead, even though I've stabbed him repeatedly.
You call these things 'junk food,' right? I call these 'delicious.'
Eli: I'm glad it's Tuesday! Tuesday is Target day!
me: Who told you that?
Eli: I told myself.
This is a good song!! I can't even smell my fingers!!
If you loved me then you should've put some cheese on it.
I tried to jump and change but my heart got smaller and I died but I came alive again and everything stopped.
The sky is falling! The EARTH is falling. The earth is US. It's just falling in space. We will say 'oof!' We are all just falling.
You're a smart, strong person -- now COME ON and give me a granola bar!
Eli, wand in hand: Laneia I just need to get some Polygrip for my dentures. Oh there's some.
[grabs bottle of nail polish remover]
Eli: Ok so now I have your hula hoop and I'm ready. I'm ready."
me: "Ready for what?" Eli: [blank stare]
There are no funny parts. There are no real parts. - Eli on Avatar
Well if there was a knife machine that cut your legs, you could find cookies in your bones.
Laneia! I found a starfish in the bathtub! No, wait. It's just my hand.
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