9 Highly Unusual News Stories You May Have Missed This Week

1. Walmart has implemented a new dress code, which has drawn considerable ire from employees. In related news, Kmart was recently seen smiling smugly for the first time in 16 years.

2. Young schoolchildren in South London were left crying, after the school banned parents from saying goodbye amidst health and safety concerns. The school also thought about banning hopes and dreams, but were relieved to find out that this has been a long-standing international initiative.

3. Salaried workers are now spending 49 hours per week at work. 40 of those hours are spent working, and the other 9 are spent locked in a room listening to maniacal laughter.

4. Malaysia Airlines recently retracted the title for their questionably named “bucket list” promotion. Among other very obvious criticisms, the promotion didn’t even mention Morgan Freeman or Jack Nicholson.

5. An Iowa man is pressing charges after four teenagers hit him in the leg with a water balloon. Rumor has it that the furious teenagers will seek revenge by installing a pinata in the man’s front yard.

6. South Koreans are buying fake casts, pretending to be injured to avoid holiday chores. Americans are buying fake casts because they look amazing with a Valencia filter.

7. An Idaho Professor accidentally shot himself in the foot during a chemistry class. The students were briefly unsettled, but quickly returned to their pressing queue of BuzzFeed quizzes.

8. After a sudden surgery, it was revealed that an ailing Great Dane had consumed 43.5 socks. Since that time, the owner’s son has taken to storing all of his homework assignments in his Adidas low-cuts.

9. A high school in Vermont has cancelled their homecoming dance due to fears of excessive twerking. In a statement the principal wistfully longed for times of old — when the students would dance responsibly to tunes like Candy Shop and Get Low.