The 15 College Seniors You’ll Meet A Month Before Graduation
By Lance Pauker
1. Just Got The Job
Waiting this long to make the Facebook status wasn’t ideal. But the important thing is that it broke 100 likes.
2. On The Verge
You hope he gets the job because you’re not a soulless animal, but you definitely have reservations about him being knighted into the “people who have jobs” club.
It’ll be pretty unbearable, hearing him talk about what roads he’s planning on taking to minimize the commute.
3. The New Apartment Gossiper
College gossip has pretty much run its course, so the thing to talk about nowadays is what Clara’s gonna do when she finds out Maddie and Leah have sorta been looking on their own, and are definitely gonna take something if the find the right fit.
This is also the friend who in 2-3 years, will graduate to wedding speculation.
4. Guy Who Got That Giant Signing Bonus
And so begins the wildly entertaining game of “can I blow this whole thing on college-priced alcohol before I graduate?”
Gotta love the future leaders of America.
5. Mr. & Ms. Ticking Time Bomb
They’ve been dating for like 14 months. He’s staying in Boston and she’s going to Chicago. Are they really gonna do this?
No. But they’ll probably break up sometime over the summer. Graduation pictures are way too important.
6. Fred & Francesca Fiance
The other long-term relationship, the one that’s been going on since October of freshman year. Wedding bells?
You very much hope the proposal is some sort of crazy-spectacular fireworks display — it’ll give you something to talk about other than impending graduational doom.
7. Person Who Has A Thesis
As you know by that giant motivational cork board, she’s DONE in 8 days time. She claims she’s going straight for the bottle, but you know the only thing she’s bingeing on is sleep.
8. The Social Commentator
After having the same 3 conversations with the revived acquaintance-ships (fading acquaintanceships that regained life) over and over again, you realize he has a point — these “celebratory events” are pretty dumb. But why does it have to be so joyless?
9. Gregory Grand Plan
Gregory will be spending the next 6-8 months traveling the world and doing things that involve farms and goats. You’re insanely jealous.
But him continuously saying the phrase “Life, man” every time you guys get drunk is getting kinda annoying.
10. The Sudden Addition To Your Friend Group
For some reason it took seven and a half months for this gem of a human to find your friend group. Everyone is baffled, and a little bit upset that the poor timing of it all.
When you graduate, you’ll realize you and your new friend had approximately 0 conversations while sober.
11. The Storm Before The Calm
This person is starting a pretty soul-crushing job sometime in early August, so has devoted the spring semester and early summer to traveling everywhere he possibly can.
He’s totally not gonna hate himself come November. Not at all.
12. The Sage
Spending senior year being the leader of that big time club was great for her resume, but terrible for her mental health.
Now, transitioning out, the sage believes the experience just conquered was superior to anything else anyone on campus has experienced. Wisdom for days.
13. Hangin’ Around
Hangin’ Around graduated in December, but due to “the lease” isn’t leaving till springtime. In order to stay #relevant, he got a job at the campus’ main restaurant/bar. He’s kinda been raking it in, and just got offered a promotion.
New postgrad plan?
14. Part-Time Pity Party
He’s taking 2 classes, but he’s actually just dominating Netflix like no other. Whereas it usually takes people a few months to get through all of LOST, this person was aboard the Jack Shepard train for all but a week.
As it turns out, some silly ignored-between-bong-hits gaffe may prevent him from graduating. This was probably the plan all along.
15. Person who isn’t sure if her killer playlists are gonna translate into the postgraduate realm.
With all the uncertainties surrounding the postgraduate realm, this is the one you can’t really ignore.