The 12 People Your Friends Will Suddenly Become During The Summer
By Lance Pauker
1. Beach Logistics Lauren
This person will stop at NOTHING to get some sand — even it requires a train ride, 7 different car scenarios, and a distant cousin as the designated driver.
Oftentimes the logistical planning becomes so stressful, it grossly overshadows — and defeats the entire purpose — of going to the beach.
2. Timeshare Tina
The saga starts in March, when a mass group text is sent about possibly renting a summer house.
It’ll be more expensive than most people are willing to pay for. So begins a 3 month cycle of peer pressure tango.
3. Sunscreen Forcing Faye
Usually the mom of the friend group, Sunscreen Forcing Faye will have two things at the ready — a bottle of sunscreen, and a 14 inch knife to stab you with if you don’t oblige.
4. Busy Business Barry
This is not the first time Busy Business Barry has appeared in list form– this is because Busy Business Barry is a force like no other, and summer usually represents his finest hour.
While all his friends are all off shucking oysters in a place that wonderfully smells like salt, Barry is grinding it out late office nights. Sushi on the company.
5. Always Off Olivia
She has a pretty demanding job and works hard, but for some reason her entire office doesn’t believe in doing any work during the summer months — she’ll work one Friday from Memorial Day to Labor Day, and her boss will be in random South American countries for most of July.
She’ll actually be happy come September, finally having something to do.
6. Guy Who Is Weirdly Obsessed With His Summer Camp
He has 10 vacation days, and takes 5 of them to travel to the middle of the wilderness and take part in some incredibly hyped up tradition, despite the fact that he’s 26 years old.
Mystifying, but impressive.
7. The Obsessive Griller
He wants you to come over so you guys can grill. And he’ll be very, very vocal about it.
8. The Intern Experience
Internships nowadays aren’t so much internships as they are fiscally wasteful travel adventures — spending the summer in a different city, exploring that cities nightlife and sites infinity more than exploring the ins and outs of the company.
By week 2, you’ll realize theres’s very little reason for you to do much other than read the same 4 tweets for hours on end.
9. The 95 Degree Heat Athletic Superstar
Usually runners or people who really want to play pickup basketball, these people seem totally nonplussed by the fact that this is exactly how people die from heatstrokes.
10. Friend Who Suddenly Likes Country Music
Having once heard a Zac Brown Band song that involves kicking back, opening a beer, and enjoying the warm summer sun, this person’s music taste will trend away from Bastille and towards Luke Bryan, Dierks Bentey, and Miranda Lambert.
They ‘ll claim they’ve liked these artists for years, and it will be really funny.
11. “Let’s Go To The Roof”
The idea of going to the roof is a lot like watching two people on a TV show who you desperately want to get together.
Finally getting on the roof is like the episode where that couple finally does get together — awesome for about 5 seconds, when it’s replaced with the “what’s next” complacency dread.
12. Air Conditioning Julia Roberts
Meryl Streep is probably more accurate — if there was an Oscar category for desperately needing air conditioning all the time, she’d be nominated every year.
