Thought Catalog
September 13, 2013

21 Genius Larry David-isms For Dealing With People

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1. The Birthday Cutoff

“There’s gotta be a time, there’s gotta be a cutoff point where you can’t have birthday parties. You’re so desperate for a party that you have to have a party two weeks after? Wait till next year, you missed it!”

2. The Sorry Window

“Two years, you’re still getting sorries? I don’t think so, that’s a long time for sorries. That’s like saying Happy New Year in October.”

3. The Five Second Rule

“She went over the appropriate amount of time I could have human contact without getting aroused…I only have five seconds, after that it’s out of my control.”

4. The Stop And Chat

“He wanted a stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat!”

5. The Non Recommend-Recommend

“When I called you I told that he asked me to recommend him so I’m “recommending” him. I put quotes around it…I thought you would pick up that it was a non-recommend recommend!”

6. The Adult Critique

“I didn’t piss on the buds…I helped the buds grow. I’m good for the buds.”

7. Coach-ey in First Class

“Just cause I’m sitting but there you’re making a generalization about me…I’m not a first class person, I’m coachy!”

8. Waiting Room Policies

“What is it like a bakery? You pick a number and the first number goes?…why even give out appointments, for this policy you don’t even need appointments!”

9. The Glass Clutch

“When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.”

10. The Air Condition Compromise

“I wanna sleep in 68 degree temperature, she wants 75, let’s compromise at 72!”

11. Elevator Etiquette

“I didn’t mean to waste twelve seconds of your precious time…I decided to go to someplace else, I didn’t realize it was illegal in your world!”

12. The Bluetooth Fakeout

“So I’m on the 14th hole, ok Lloyd, he’s got these great Cuban cigars…”

13. Elevating Small Talk To Medium Talk

“I’m trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.”

14. The Chat And Cut

“She’s feigning familiarity with someone she vaguely knows for the sole purpose of cutting in line.”

15. Tip Coordinating

“You don’t believe in tip-coordination? Is that it.”

16. The “What” In No Matter What

“You said no matter what…this is the ‘what!'”

17. Anonymous Donations

“Nobody told me that I can be anonymous and tell people. I would’ve taken that option. You can’t have it halfway…you’re either anonymous, or you’re not! What is it!”

18. Shorts Are Bad For Traveling

“I’m comfortable in pajamas, but I don’t wear pajamas on a plane!”

19. Handicapped Bathroom Etiquette

“We don’t like being referred to as normal…we’re able bodied.”

20. Always Hold Your Own Popcorn

“I find human contact repulsive.”

21. The Perfect Latte Order

“I’ll have a vanilla…one of the vanilla bullshit things.”

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