50 Things Guys Care More About Than Their Girlfriend
By Lance Pauker
1. Figuring out how that brilliant and clever joke could be condensed into 140 characters.
2. Putting off any and all responsibilities in favor of swiping away on their buddy’s tinder.
3. Finding out if the liquor store is still running that outrageous deal on Fireball and Southern Comfort.
4. Whether or not to finally risk it this time, and go for the barbacoa.
5. Whether or not to splurge the extra dollar and change, and go for the guac.
6. Whether or not to be an upstanding citizen, and actually use the water cup to get water. That lemonade is enticing.
7. Figuring out whether the situation at hand is one where it’s better to brag about being poor, or one where it’s important to act like money isn’t an issue.
8. Memorizing jingles from pop-culture commercials. Proceeding to spread the scripture of J.G Wentworth, 877 CASH NOW.
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9. Upon seeing that the dishwasher is full, going on a NFL superstar-type holdout to ensure they aren’t the person who ends up emptying it.
10. Making comments about LeBron’s receding hairline.
11. Walking around the house repeating the same lyrics aloud 40 times per hour. (Note, the 2013 winner thus far is “Started From The Bottom.)
12. Making jabs at activities conducted by girls they’d be terrified of talking to in a neutral social situation. I.e., Soul Cycle.
13. Who they should take with the second pick in their fantasy draft, because AP is clearly going to be gone.
14. Teaching their girlfriend unimportant knowledge about the sporting world. I.e., that Gus Johnson is the greatest commentator known to man.
15. Trying to convince their friends they’re much more of an Ari Gold than a Josh Weinstein.
16. Ensuring that particular Entourage convo goes MUCH longer than it needs to given that it’s 2013, then barely switching gears by going on about How To Make It In America, and how it got cut way too short.
17. STILL refusing to end the conversation above by transitioning to loud grunting that strongly resembles words like “Tyrion Lannister” and “Winterfell.”
18. Having very strong opinions, positive or otherwise, about the proliferation of EDM culture.
19. Making it seem like they’re really “in”/know a lot about doing molly.
20. Sharing articles from The Onion.
21. Trying as hard as humanly possible to make it seem like the outfit they put on was haphazardly put together in 90 seconds.
22. Spraying cologne/deodorant on that area right below the adam’s apple.
23. Their Vince Carter Raptors jersey from 1999 (sized: Youth XL), that they insist on wearing to every barbecue and/or outdoor event.
24. Showing their friends funny youtube videos they just discovered ad naseum.
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25. Being frighteningly butthurt when friends dismissively note that they’ve seen that video “like, 50 times.”
26. Making their night’s mission to find out if their friend is lying about having seen that video.
27. Telling everyone they know they’re thinking about doing a juice cleanse with their girlfriend.
28. Making sure they never have to do it.
29. Inserting names like Kendrick Lamar, Adam DeVine, and Yasiel Puig randomly into conversations, in order to appear properly 2013 cultured.
30. Going on rants about how the hashtag has compromised the sanctity of human interaction.
31. Crushing it at the gym.
32. Opting to sit back at the table while everyone else hits up the dance floor with the hopes of looking like they’re in Don Draper quizzical reflection mode.
33. Ensuring that texts conversations are as slow and delayed as possible, to give off the impression that they’re off doing cool and important shit.
34. Properly positioning and/or crowning their hat. Bonus points if its from a team that doesn’t exist anymore, like the Vancouver Grizzlies.
35. Imagining what life would be like if they grew a mustache.
36. Getting really drunk and mapping out haphazard business plans.
37. Giving off a vibe that reads “I can totally hold a conversation about the stock market.”
38. Stealing the right amount of girl scout cookies. The roommate can’t know.
39. Telling their friends how late they’ve been staying at the office.
40. Wearing expensive headphones around their neck, so that nobody can tell whether or not there’s actually music coming out of them.
41. Perfecting that Morgan Freeman Impression.
42. Letting people know how much they loved Good Will Hunting.
43. “Me-time,” so that they can conduct weird activities like staring at a wall and thinking about whether or not Spring Breakers was brilliant or stupid.
44. Long-term bets made with friends about things that shouldn’t be bet on. I.e. over-unders on how many years it’ll take for Tim and Steph to get divorced.
45. Taking witty observations from comedians, and not explicitly stating said observation was from a comedian.
46. Being strongly opposed to Throwback Thursday.
47. Inserting impressive-sounding buzzwords into conversations, in order to leverage long-term gains on their personal brand.
48. Sriracha.
49. Telling others about how they really need to cut down on alcohol/coffee/red bull, all done in a foreboding tone that insinuates impending doom.
50. Themselves.
