The 10 Dudes You’ll Meet At Every Post-College Bar
By Lance Pauker
Just to refresh, below is the definition for a post-college bar:
Post-College Bar (n): A late-night establishment located in a major city, where 21-24 year olds congregate and do the exact same thing they did two years ago, except that now there’s a few people who don’t charge everything to their parents’ card.
Note: Out of respect for the Brommunity, the article is titled “dudes” for a reason. All Bros may be dudes, but not all dudes are Bros:
1. The Irrational Confidence Guy
Sportswriter Bill Simmons defines the “irrational confidence guy” as “the guy who isn’t one of the team’s best players, but he’ll have stretches in which he THINKS he is.” While he’s mostly referring to Jamal Crawford-esque ball hogs, the concept is highly applicable in the post collegiate bar scene.
The classic “irrational confidence guy” will have graduated from a mid-tier school, have a modest salary, and look exactly “Glenn,” the every-man from those Starbucks commercials a few years back. Yet, by combining all of his astonishingly average traits, he will at times morph into a temporary playa, wooing girls with his somewhat funny jokes, his semi-respectable car, and his somewhat put-together outfit. While his mediocrity will eventually catch up to him in due course, this species will consistently ride his irrational confidence wave to a respectable amount of one-night stands.
2. Shawn Kemp:
There aren’t many things more depressing than a frat-star past his prime.
No longer able to skate by on his looks (his cute beer pouch has now turned into a full-on gut) or prestige (his Psi U Presidency has now been replaced by a very ‘meh’ ad sales job), Kemp will slowly realize that he no longer has what it takes to be an all-star.
He’ll likely then compensate by settling down to a degree, appearing at bars with a now-girlfriend who he’d never so much as glance at during his college days. The backwards hat is now replaced by a slowly thinning hairline, which is only exacerbated by his sudden interest in books.
3. “I’ll Text Him”
This is the kid who for whatever reason, thinks he attains some sort of group superiority by being in contact with a friend not currently out with them. “I’ll text him” consistently takes it upon himself to give the group updates as to what that particular friend is doing that night, although half the group already knows because they’re actually better friends with him.
Therefore, the fact that “he just got back from the gym, though he’s gonna let me know if he wants to meet up” couldn’t be less interesting.
4. Stevey Shots
What he lacks in a long life expectancy and text messages that include lowercase words, Stevey Shots more than makes up for in his quest to one day rack up the highest bar total in the history of 23 year olds. High-powered is his only setting, often to a fault.
One of the primary reasons Stevey became an I-Banker was so that girls who were 2-3 years younger than him would know that he’s an I-Banker. This is why Stevey always wears some resemblance of a “straight from work’ outfit,” despite often having gone home beforehand for a quick power-nap.
During one of his many trips to the bar, Stevey will often catch the attention of a girl by spilling a miniscule amount of liquor relatively near her. Initially annoyed by the fact someone would dare try to catch her attention at a place where single people go so they can eventually have sex with other single people, she’ll change her tone considerably once noticing his purposefully-positioned watch:
Stevey Shots: Oh shit, I’m so sorry. Can I…
Husband Hunter: No th–wow, is that your watch?
Stevey Shots: Yea. I mean its a little over the top, I know, but had to get it for work.
Husband Hunter: (excitedly anticipating the moment of truth) Where do you work?
Stevey: Credit Suisse? It’s a…
(Game Over)
5. Recession-Minded Ralph
Angry that the world has decided that it’s not really necessary for him to have disposable income — and too dickishly proud to accept the fact that its ok to get a little bit of help from your parents at this life stage — Ralph often approaches going out with more fear than he does excitement. He believes that covers are the root of all evil, and will spend a decent portion of the night mystified that a bar could charge $8 for five drops of SoCo. His frustration is eased in part by the fact that the one kid who has a serious girlfriend is vigorously nodding his head in agreement, though he’s only really doing that because he wants to look like he’s actually doing something, and is too afraid to talk to anyone out of fear of retribution from his wifey.
6. Extra Innings
The mistake most girls make at least once in their life, Extra Innings makes a living vulturing off the girls who aren’t swapped up at a reasonable hour. What he boasts in quantity he tremendously lacks in quality, though it’s clear that he couldn’t be more proud of his strategy.
This species makes his debut in college, but the post-college version is definitely a significantly evolved form. One, because he now lives in a major city, he never has to see any of his “foul balls” ever again. Two, the amount of girls looking for a unemotional rebound (after still not being able to get over the guy who dumped her six months ago) are off the charts at this age.
7. Dom
An out-of-towner who was once boys with the group, Dom now finds himself completely out of the loop. He’ll try to rekindle the old days by recreating some sort of inside joke, which will ultimately fail because it will creep out someone else’s girlfriend. Hanging out with Dom makes everyone sad, because it’s one of those crushing reminders that you and your friends are now a bit douchier than you once were.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKS0RBqGOHA]
8. Play That F*cking Track
Crushed by the fact that EDM became popular just as he was graduating college, this is the kid whose candy-cane colored outfit is only outdone by how irrationally excited he gets when some relatively obscure remix comes on. He’s generally a tremendous supporter of Bro culture, but will revert to smug “I knew this song months ago” hipster-like tendencies at least once per night. He’s generally loud, tremendously outgoing, and unafraid to rage on the dance floor. Girls are either terrified of him, don’t take him seriously, or “think he’s sort of cute, in a funny way.”
9. The Godfather
The Godfather can often be found in some back-room smoking area whose requirement for entry is an uncharacteristically large mane of chest-hair. Due to the mysterious prestige that he attained through going to a prep school, the Godfather will not talk to more than five people during a given night, all of whom he know pretty well.
The Godfather’s favorite social activity is enjoying a cigar on a rooftop, while sitting at a table to make it appear like he ordered bottle service. Bonus points hif he’s observing the peasants of the bar in a genuinely amused state.
10. The Man-Flirt
This guy is exceedingly straight, but for some reason — despite his decent looks and being overall a nice guy — his flirting abilities have zero effectiveness on women. Rather, his offhand jokes and comments tend to attract wave after wave of male acquaintances, with whom he discusses things such as whether or not Tiger “still has it”, the advantages and disadvantages of Coors’ new bottle design, and the proper energy supplement to take in order to avoid a hangover. Numbers are swapped with alarming frequency, and Peter Klaven would kill to be this guy.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdSo1YQoFLQ]