What Should You Do When Your Crush Asks You For Relationship Advice? Plus, When You’ve Gotta Keep It A Secret

Hey fools,

We’re back after a week off, which we’re gonna chalk up to the very on-brand excuse of being on spring break (not only a semi-legitimate excuse, but also semi-true.) Though worry not, loyal fans! We’re back in full force this week, making Garden State references as per usghe.

This week, your questions centered around relationship/hookup pickles (surprise), which were all were chosen because they seemed like they’d be decent plots to rom-coms and/or critically acclaimed indie flicks starring Greta Gerwig. From being the guy giving relationship advice to the girl he loves, to a dicey “he has a girlfriend” scenario, we’ve got some real barn-burners.*

*Not actually. Just a thing people say that fit there. 

As always, feel free to hit us up (via the submission form below) with questions about where to take your not-a-boyfriend on a not-a-date, now that it’s getting nice out.

-Lance and Steph

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Q: I am a guy who has recently fallen for a long-term friend who happens to be in a “dysfunctional” relationship (her words, not mine). We’ve known each other for years and have a ridiculous amount in common. Even though we’ve moved states we still talk with each other as if there was no distance. She knows almost everything about me and I feel I know almost everything about her. Throughout the last year though, she’s been calling me about all her relationships issues with her current boyfriend and asking me for advice (they’ve been on-and-off more times than Ross and Rachel). Despite trying to remain completely neutral and unbiased about the whole thing (which in hindsight is probably impossible given our dynamic), it kills me to see her get hurt by him over and over again. It’s gotten to the point where she’s seems emotionally numb from the whole relationship but can’t bring herself to break up with him. From an unbiased point of view, what is the best thing I could do both for her and myself? And how should I handle this from now on?

Steph: I feel like there’s a romantic comedy out there that is analogous to your situation, and I would’ve totally used it for a killer opening to this lil’ blurb, but the name has escaped me. Anyways, in a perfect, Hollywood-esque (read: unrealistic) world, you would run after her right after she decides that she’s had enough of her Schwald boyfriend. She’d dump him; you’d scoop her up into your arms; and as she wipes her tears and snot on the back of your hoodie, she’d realize that you are the man for her. You’d start dating, get married, and eventually move to the ‘burbs.

Sadly, #real life is a lot less exciting, and she doesn’t sound like she’s ready to move from one relationship into another — even if you would be a far better match for her than Schwaldy. Be honest. Tell her you just want to see her happy, and that he doesn’t seem to making her happy. Whatever happens from that point on is up to #fate.

Lance: If I were in your shoes (Nike Shox? Sperrys?), I’d lay it out all during one of these phone calls. I’d say “look, obviously I have feelings for you, but this guy sucks. I’m biased clearly, but I’m only really saying this because this guy is really hurting you. If it was someone who treated you right, we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place.”

If she DOES leave him, make sure not to pressure her. The worst thing you can do is be her rebound, the Swede to her Julie Taylor.

Q: I have been really good friends with this guy for over 5 years now. We have had rare instances in the past of a kiss here or there, but I was in college in Southern California then and he was living up in Northern California, so the distance made it not awkward. He recently moved down here and I’m done with school now. We have talked about our feelings for each other and how we want to take this to the next level, and now that we hang out a lot the tension (sexual I guess you could say) has started to build up. Then we hooked up. Since then though nothing has happened. I want more to happen like we had talked about, but he hasn’t made a move.. I.e. We still hang out as “friends.” What do I do??? I’ve never started dating someone I’ve been such good friends with.

Steph: Make the first move!

Sometimes, boys are shy and would rather allow sexual tension (the BEST kind of tension) to bubble than to do anything about it. But, shy boys are endearing*, so I encourage you to lay a fat, wet one on him the next time y’all hang out. You could be in for a fun surprise afterwards.

*I know I get on my Garden State soapbox frequently, but check out this film if you haven’t already. Be the bubbly, overly-enthusiastic, obnoxiously giggly Natalie Portman to his brooding, semi-mysterious Zach Braff…and true love forever!!!!

Lance: Sounds like you have the chance to do one of those awesome “taking a risk but he likes you a lot so it’s not that much of a risk” moves. Make out with him in the car when the sun is setting or something like that. Actually, just imagine your ideal movie scene in which a girl makes the move, and play that out. Limitless options.

Q: I have been secretly hooking up with my best guy friend for the past few months. The reason it’s secret is because he lives in the same town as my ex. They aren’t friends but have mutual friends in common. We are 25… Do I wait around for him to grow up or do I end it before I get hurt? Is bro code even a real thing?

Steph: I’m going to let #Lance take care of explaining Bro Code — tenets with which he must be well-acquainted, I’m sure.

However, I don’t think that it’s a big deal that he lives in the same town as your ex —especially because they are not friends with one another. You seem sweet for caring that much about your ex’s feelings, but you’re 25, and it’s about time that he realizes that he no longer has the right to butter your (breakfast) muffins. If you care about your best guy friend – which it sounds like you do — why end it, prematurely? At least wait for him to start becoming really clingy and SubTweeting you before you call it quits. 

Lance: From what you’re saying, it’s he who wants to keep it a secret. Is there a reasoning for that? Think that’s the real question here — if they’re not friends, seems like a non-issue. Get the feeling that there’s something more here, or there’s something he’s not saying.

Q: So recently I ended up hooking up with my best friend. We were out and high on pills! I’d never really had any feelings for him before this but he had told me on night he was high that he had feelings for me and I brushed it off. I’m not sure what to do and the worst part is he has a girlfriend. He asked me the next day did I want to keep it between us and I said ya and only because I didn’t want all the trouble with his girlfriend, but I feel so bad that I’d prefer if she knew, ugh I really don’t know anymore. Any advice?