Thought Catalog
January 19, 2017

You Don’t Have To Be ‘The Right Kind Of Girl’ To Deserve Love

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What is the issue?
Allegra Messina
Allegra Messina

It seems that over time we have drawn a line between different types of women: The chill ones versus the hopeless romantics. We have this idea that when it comes to love, only one of them can get it right; that only one of them is really worthy of love.

Maybe you’re someone who relates closer to the chill girl. Maybe you feel more in tune with the idea of a hopeless romantic. Regardless, one thing must be made clear:

It doesn’t matter how you approach love or chase after it: you are just as worthy of it as anyone else.

No magazine article, no television show, no advice from well-intentioned people around you should convince you otherwise- that who you are just doesn’t meet the standards of someone worth love.

Maybe you believe only the chill girls are the ones who get love right. That in order to find love, you must pretend like you don’t give a crap about it. That in order to achieve a relationship- involving two people who are supposed to care about each other- you must pretend to not care at all. You ignore texts and play hard to get when he sees you. You don’t jump at the chance to see him but only accept his invites every now and then. You act incredibly nonchalant about kissing or even sex on the first date because it (in theory) doesn’t matter as much to you. They tell us, “Guys are always drawn to the chill girls because it’s a solid way to engage in some fun with no strings attached, no emotional baggage to sort through, and no real need to commit, because she’s going to go along with it.” They also say that, in the end, guys will end up actually committing to this type of girl once they are ready to settle down.

Because she’s so chill. Because she’s so cool.

Love is in the same vein as feelings and emotions (though it’s so much more than that), and hopeless romantics have a LOT of feelings. They are well versed in talking them out, and the concept of holding back is insanity. They want a commitment and aren’t afraid to make that clear before the first date. They tend to reason, “How can our relationship be our future if he doesn’t know?” Emotional girls care SO much about their potential relationships that they don’t want to risk them slipping away. They respond immediately to texts, hang out every chance they get, and aren’t afraid to admit how they feel. They tell us guys tend to go for emotional girls when they want an ego boost or when they-surprise- want a real relationship.

Guys pick emotional girls because they want a sure thing, for good or bad reasons, and emotional girls tend to go all in.

So we pick a side, we dig our heels in, and take pride in whichever side we stand on.

Chill girls know they are loved for their carefree attitudes on commitment and sex, and emotional girls know they are sought out because of how affectionate and loyal they are in relationships- we claim that only one side is the “right way” to be and that if we don’t fit the mold, we’ll never get a guy to be interested-that we will never be worth loving.

So we write articles and self-help lists telling girls to “just be themselves”, as long as “themselves” falls into one of the two main groups.

As if a girl who doesn’t necessarily want a serious commitment at the moment can’t also experience a lot of emotions. Or a girl who is truly hoping for a happily ever after moment can’t kiss someone on the first date just because she wants to. We leave out a large majority of people who don’t fit into either one of these molds, and as a result, we’ve told them that if they don’t fall into these categories, they aren’t worth love; or even worse- if they don’t fall into the “right” category. It’s a pretty hopeless place to be when you look at the kind of person you are, and can only find the reasons why you’re seemingly not attractive to the people you are interested in.

And this is where I have to say it:

No matter what type of girl you are, you are absolutely worthy of love and of a relationship, if that’s what you want.

You deserve love, and you deserve it fully. You deserve a love that meets you where you are, love that looks at you- however you are- and smiles. That doesn’t try to force you to be someone you’re not, but pushes you to be the best version of yourself. You shouldn’t feel that simply because you’re more reserved in your feelings, you are destined to sit in a coffee shop alone. Nor should you feel that just because you’re more emotional and have grand ideas of romance, that you are only going to be stuck in your bedroom writing poetry and listening to sad love songs for the rest of your days. You shouldn’t let anyone tell you that who you are isn’t worth love- and that includes you. Don’t allow negative thoughts that say, “If I was just better at expressing my feelings, then I would be worth it.” Or, “If I didn’t come on so strong, I would be worth loving.”

Because the truth is, you are worthy of love- and if you keep your heart open to it, I honestly believe the right kind of love will find you. That you are worth love so beautiful, you didn’t think it was even possible.

And I hope you know, you’re absolutely worth it. TC mark

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