October 6, 2016

Why I’m Not Afraid Of Never Loving Someone As Much As I Loved You

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What is the issue?

Some days I wonder if I’ll ever have a love like ours again.

I write a lot of things about the love you deserve, about self-love, and about the hope of the right relationship coming along. I believe in these things in a passionate way. However, there are some days where the nagging question in the back of my mind slithers its way to the surface, whispering softly but in an unmistakable voice that I hear all too clearly.

“What if I never find that kind of love again?”

I mean if I’m honest, I never loved someone as much as I loved you. I had never loved anyone before I met you, and after we went our separate ways I found myself afraid to love that much again. I had barely managed to put myself back together when we ended, and I just wasn’t certain that I could put myself back again a second time. On some days, I’m still not certain.

Yet I still remember how it felt to love you. How I was head-over-heels and had built a permanent residence on cloud nine. You and I, we were something unexpected, yet also something wonderful. We had a relationship that a lot of people told me they wish they had. I know I wasn’t your first love, but I also know you loved me deeply. We always supported each other, we stood up for each other, and we fought our battles head on and hand in hand. I trusted you in a way that I never trusted anyone else. It was complete, it was safe, and it was like home.

You were like home.

Of course, we obviously didn’t make it. The home we built caught fire and we just didn’t know how to put it out. It burned us in a way that left no choice but to walk away. That time definitely closed the door, and I truly have no desire to want you and me back together again. Those days have long passed. However, it’s been years now, and although I’ve had relationships, none of them were like what you and I had. I haven’t fallen in love in such a complete way and it doesn’t feel like anyone else has loved me the way you did. You were the lucky one of us two, and you did find someone who loves you. My heart is happy for you, and for her as well, because I know you love her too.

Yet I thought by now that I also would have found someone who loved me in that way. I was certain that by now I would have stumbled upon another great big love like what we had, yet that was magic in its own way. I was hoping by now I would have found it, and on my worst days I question if I ever will. The fear still haunts of me of, “What if that was it? What if that was your greatest love, and it died?”

Yet despite all of that, I still hold onto hope.

I still believe that eventually I will have another love that is so incredible that I’ll want it around for the rest of my life.

And that the other person will feel the same way. I know, even if I don’t have a love quite like yours again, I will have another love that will be exactly what I need. I’ll find a home in someone else, one that won’t burn down this time. I’m starting to realize that I don’t need a love like yours again, because I don’t believe what you and I had could be repeated even if we tried. Honestly, it’s probably for the best that it isn’t; some things truly are meant to only happen once.

I know that I don’t need another love like yours again, because I will find something better.

Maybe, even tomorrow, I will find something better. TC mark

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