There are Halloween lovers and there are Halloween haters. I am of the latter tribe. And while I will likely venture out this weekend like many other Halloween weekends, with a half-hearted attempt at a costume, I just want everyone to know this a sacrifice on my part.
Like many Halloween haters, the whole experience is mostly to be social with friends rather than any actual enjoyment derived from the experience. And with that, here are 7 reasons why Halloween is actually insufferable:
1. Having fun shouldn’t be so much work.
Nothing quite like seeing the amount of effort many people put into costumes and Halloween-themed parties. I have seen people go through sleepless nights and spend a sizeable amount of money on their costumes. The time and monetary investment just doesn’t seem worth the return. Let’s keep it real: This is the holiday of basics.
2. Can we please stop pretending we’re not cold?
If you live in a warm place, good for you; you don’t have this problem. And if you live somewhere cold but you always make the smart decision to always choose a warm costume, even better! But chances are, you made the decision to wear something that was well, not remotely warm. And then you’re freezing in between Halloween parties. Is it really worth it? (Bring a coat.)
3. You’re not guaranteed pity candy or a kiss at midnight.
If I’m going to care about a superficial holiday, there better be some guarantees. Hate on Valentine’s day and New Year’s Eve all you want but at least there’s a good chance that if you’re single, you might meet someone to mingle (and know what they actually look like). And if you’re in a relationship, you’re getting some chocolate or kisses because even though it doesn’t define your love, it’s just another day to remind you that chocolate and kisses are wonderful things.
4. R.I.P. to any birthdays around this time of year.
As someone who has a birthday a few days before Halloween, I would just like to say that every year I have to accommodate the fact that Halloween is around my birthday. And you know what? That’s not cool. You know what else is never going to be cool? A Halloween-themed birthday party.
5. Do you like crowds, long lines, and not being able to breathe properly?
The older I get, the less inclined I feel to go to any place where there’ll be a crowd. The only legitimate exceptions are sports games and Janet Jackson. Halloween seems like a whole lot of things people would ordinarily hate doing – being in long lines, with a thousand of your closest friends, and struggling to breathe – all while mostly pretending THIS IS FUN. At least when you’re in long lines and crowds and are struggling to breathe for other reasons, you don’t have to pretend you’re having a good time.
6. If we don’t have Halloween without racism and cultural appropriation, is it really even Halloween?
Ah, yes. I would love to say my dislike of Halloween is only the little annoyances. But really, there is nothing like Halloween to remind me of how completely culturally incompetent and casually racist society is. And while I would love to write an annual piece every year explaining why your Native American costume or Blackface make up is disrespectful, disgusting, bigoted, and racist, I simply hope that if you are reading this article, you also have access to Google.
7. Good luck getting home.
So after spending a night in a costume that you probably got sick of wearing by midnight, you’ll probably want to go home at some point in the early hours of the morning. But not so fast Cinderella, it’s not going to be so easy to get out of here, is it? Because not only will taxis be nowhere to be seen, Ubers and Lyfts will have sky-high prices. Hope you did in fact bring that coat and some sensible shoes. You’ll need ’em.