The 5 Types of Old Ladies (Without Cats) You Can Become
We’re all familiar with the stereotype of the old lady with cats. Well, I for one dislike cats. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but I am not sorry about disliking cats. Cats are weird to me – the way they purr and stare, and just their general disposition leaves me thinking, “Yo, what the hell do you want from me?” Anyway, I’m getting off-topic. Because there are more interesting things you can become than the cat lady if you think your life is headed towards dying alone, here are a few suggestions from someone who’s right there with you:
(Note: I shall use “Old Lady” to be true to the metaphor but all of these are non-gendered suggestions. I think.)
1. The Old Lady with Dogs
There is a reason why dog is man’s best friend. These creatures are the personification of the quote, “Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to.” I am thinking somewhere between 3 and 7 dogs should suffice. Also, I don’t know about you but I plan on still being in great shape when I’m 78 so hopefully we’ll be be able to walk the dogs without assistance. Should our health take an unexpected turn, well, that’s what dog walkers are for, right?
2. The Old Lady Who Is Still Young at Heart and Fabulous
Off the bat, I admittedly have an advantage with this one: Good Black don’t crack. Plus if one’s genes have anything to do with ageing, I’m set! (Thanks mum and mama. “Mama” is my maternal grandma.) Anyway, should you not be Black and/or have good genes, and even if you are, this is how you’re going to stay young and fabulous: Eat healthy at least 75% of the time. Drink lots of water. Sleep as much as your body genuinely needs. Exercise 3 to 5 days a week. Surround yourself with positive and encouraging messages. Laugh a ton. Dress for your body type and wear the colors that compliment your complexion. You’ll be the lady who people twenty years younger than you want to become: vibrant, happy, and still looking damn good.
3. The Old Lady Who Is Rich and Benevolent
Well, because you decided early on money over everything, you could become a rich old lady that remembers that you started from the bottom (or middle) and you’ll want to give back. After all, if you’re going to die alone, it’s worth it to be rich and do something worthwhile with your money. Whether it’s raising money for a local cause or building schools in developing countries or hosting fundraising dinners at your mansion, you’ve got it covered. And how can you tell you have most certainly arrived? When people introduce you, they’ll add, “Philanthropist” to your title.
4. The Old Lady Who Hates Everything
You’re a young person who hated everything and the likelihood is you’re going to be an old person who hates everything. You hate cats, you hate dogs, and you hate people as a general species. You’re not quite sure how this happened and in your old age, you’ll wake up every day wishing the Lord would just call your name already. The irony is the way you hate everything makes everyone love you because they think you’re hilarious. Secretly this will make you happy because even though you hate everything, you love still feeling wanted and valued.
5. The Old Lady Who Did Something Extraordinary In Your Lifetime
You’ve decided to join the ranks of Beethoven, Emily Dickinson, and Coco Chanel – people who made a significant impact in their lifetime and “died alone.” Sure, it’s not the story you would have written but it turned out that way. One thing is for sure: Your name and place in history will forever be remembered. And every time people question how, why, what, etc. led you to live an extraordinary but solo life, you’ll simply quote Chanel herself, “There have been several duchesses of Westminster but there is only one Chanel.” Booyah bitches.