Thought Catalog
November 10, 2013

33 Ridiculously Hilarious Schmidt Quotes That Will Brighten Your Day

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What is the issue?

I didn’t start watching New Girl until earlier this year. I like Zooey Deschanel but honestly, I’m very tired of the whole ‘adorkable’-quirky-indie-girl-dresses-like-Elaine-Benes personality she plays in nearly every role. I was sort of hesitant to watch her show but then somehow, maybe through the suggestion of friends or through the fusion power of pure boredom and Netflix streaming, I decided to check it out.

Three seasons later and I’m hooked. Zooey plays the typical character I thought she would and while I love some of Jess’s moments on the show, Schmidt is the character I’ve fallen unabashedly in love with. Yeah, he has his supreme douche moments (that’s what the douche jar is for!) but he’s absolutely hilarious and his comedic timing is perfect. I’m not really into Nick’s grumpy man routine, although his character is growing on me, and I think Winston is still trying to find his place in the group. For all you other Schmidt lovers out there let’s take a moment to celebrate him with some of his best quotes from the show.

Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.
Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.

If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.
Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’
Don’t pretend to know my pain.

Schmidt: “Here’s another tip, don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.”

Jess: “What are the sexiest holidays in America?”

Schmidt: “The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July — Independence Day, obviously. Women’s History Month. Christmas.”
Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?
Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil.
Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.
I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.
Damp towel, damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You’re too humid.
Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?
Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!
I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.
Schmidt happens. Thumb ring, bitch! You’ve got some Schmidt on your face!
I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’
Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!
What if he gets into an accident? What if he’s horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? I’m standing there, I’m saying, ‘Sorry, officer, I can’t help you, because no, I haven’t seen his penis.’ An then boom, he’s buried in an unmarked grave.
Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!
This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!
You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen? What decade are we in?
Winston, you’ve been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you’re checking her out, otherwise you’re a serial killer. Which would explain a lot.
I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.
Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: shut up.
I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.
Schmidt: “No sig oths.” | Cece: “Just say ‘significant others.’” | Schmidt: “Maybe you have that kind of time, but I’m on a tight sched.”
The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.
Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.
It’s only romantic because it’s a wedding. I’d be just as happy to sabotage, I don’t know, let’s say, her tax audit.
Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?
I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers. TC mark
image – YouTube

Like this? Read I Always Got a Great Story, our take on nostalgia, hope, and How I Met Your Mother.


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