Thought Catalog
September 30, 2013

43 Greatest Ron Swanson Quotes That Prove He Might Be Your Spirit Animal

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What is the issue?
Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.
The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.
Leslie: “Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?”

Ron: “People are idiots, Leslie.”

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?
Turkey can never beat cow.
It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.
Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
There is only one bad word: taxes.
History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.
Cultivating a manly musk puts opponent on notice.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.
Child labor laws are ruining this country.
Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.
America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.
Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron: One.
Ann: That’s it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
Friends: one to three is sufficient.
Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
Honor: if you need it defined, you don’t have it.
One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.
You had me at meat tornado. TC mark