That’s what they tell you to make you feel better. That’s what they tell you to lessen the blow. That’s what they tell you so you find some sort of peace in the chaos of living when you’re met with death.
“Are you sitting down?” I heard on the phone. The next few words were met with shock and denial. The words had to be as hard to say as they were to hear.
She’s not supposed to die. There were so many things she still had left to do. There were so many things I still needed to tell her. There were so many moments she was still supposed to be a part of.
You aren’t supposed to see your friend in a casket. You aren’t supposed to live with that image engraved in your mind never to be forgotten. The tears that felt like tidal waves on my face consumed me.
I wasn’t supposed to feel that.
I stood there alone and stepped outside as someone came up to me with a pamphlet. “Death is the circle of life.” Fuck off I wanted to say to this person I didn’t even know.
I wasn’t supposed to be here. None of us were. Yet here we were brought together by a tragedy.
If it’s a part of some greater plan to completely break so many people’s heart and shake up our lives forever that’s no plan I want to be a part of.
I struggled to find words in the coming months of how to clearly articulate and understand this. But death comes without sympathy or kindness. Death comes bearing no remorse. Death comes in an attempt to mess everything we’ve come to know up. There is no logic to it. Death comes with acceptance and a lack of understanding. A lack of knowing why her of all people in the world?
Am I allowed to be mad about this? Am I allowed to be hurt? Am I allowed to still cry because everyone’s lives seem to be moving on but you were supposed to be here for it?
It’s the invitation I”ll never get to send to my wedding with your name on it.
It’s the phone call I wish I could make, I know won’t be answered.
I’ll look around as milestones continue and know someone is missing.
With your death came places I no longer enjoy and memories I cling to for dear life because it’s all I have left.
Pictures I wish there were more of, conversations where I listened and spoke more. Moments where I truly enjoyed your presence. But I didn’t know.
It was naive of me to think we were invincible.
If I could buy back time for a moment or two I’d pay whatever the cost.
If I could see you just one more day and have one more conversation would you accept your fate? Would you agree this is bullshit too? Cause it is.
I paint pretty words that give people hope and comfort but there are moments it just hits me where I realize how unfair this world is. There are moments I don’t have words to describe how fucked up it is that you aren’t here with us. There are moments where anger consumes me, tears drown me, and questions run ramped like a wildfire I can’t control.
There were things you still had to do. So why weren’t you given the chance to do it?
Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong circumstance. But all I keep thinking is wrong person. Because it wasn’t supposed to be you.
I thought we’d have time. I thought we’d have one more day. One more week. One more month. One more year.
What I wouldn’t give for one more memory to hold onto when I’m crying alone in the dark.
One more hug where I don’t let you go.
Because you weren’t supposed to leave, Not in the middle of a memory. Not when you had so much left to do.