Every year around this time your name gets brought up. And while myself and many others are celebrating a Sunday to appreciate the women that raised us, I too cling to my phone waiting for his text or call.
“I hate this day.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Leave me alone.”
I learned to not take his complete rejection and pushing me away personally. And I can’t ever sympathize with what he’s going through but you should know it affects me too.
You broke the heart of someone I love dearly and there’s nothing I can say or do to fix that sort of thing. There isn’t enough love in my heart to give him or words I can say to change what has happened.
There is no way to heal him. But I love him the best I can, knowing very well it’ll never be enough to fill the holes in his heart or the cracks you caused breaking it.
The truth is everyone is born with a mother. But not every mother deserves a son.
And maybe there’s a side to the story I don’t know. The truth is though I don’t care.
Because it was me that had to sit here and watch him hurt.
The only person I care about is the one you left behind.
He was not an easy person to love at first, he pushed me and everything I had to give away. He challenged me time and time again. He didn’t trust women and I didn’t do anything to make him question me. He hurt me sometimes to cope with his own pain and there were times where I wasn’t mature enough to see the correlation between you leaving and every time he left me.
But you should know your son is nothing like you. He is successful and so intelligent. He’s hardworking and driven. He doesn’t fail at anything he sets his mind to. He’s handsome and charismatic. But more than that I fell in love with him for who was. More than that, his ability to love continues to floor me.
How can someone who has known such pain, love me and others so deeply? How can someone who has gone through things I wish he hadn’t be so simplistically beautiful? How can someone who has seen such darkness bring light everyone around him? But he does.
The father of your son did a great job. I give him complete credit for the person your son turned out to be because when faced with adversity and a shitty deck of cards having you as the mother, he turned your son into the best man I know.
That’s what you are missing out on.
I know there are times especially now, where the thoughts cross his mind why did this happen?
My hope is that he never blames himself and if he did in the past I hope he knows it was you that didn’t deserve him.
While part of me resents you and I would do anything to take away the pain you caused him, I know he wouldn’t have turned out as wonderful, had these things not happened to him.
He deserved a mother. He deserved the unconditional love that is supposed to come with having two parents. He deserved to trust women and not question every single one of them simply because of you.
I’ll never be able to change what has happened to him. I’ll never be able to heal him or take away his painful memories. But what I can do is love him unconditionally the way you should have. And I plan on it. Because I want him to know that some women in his life will stay.