Thought Catalog
April 11, 2017

It Isn’t You He’s Unsure Of, It’s Himself

Report This Article
What is the issue?
brandonwoelfel

When someone is indecisive in a relationship and the other one is confused, when mixed signals seem to be the only thing consistent between you two, when every situation and scenario lead you to think, “what the fuck does this even mean?” what I can tell you is it’s the other person who is unsure.

And it’s not that they are unsure of you, it’s themselves they aren’t sure of.

Because one second they want you and it’s clear and the next you don’t hear from them. One day they’ll blow up your phone and every form of social media, the next they pull away.

They like knowing you are there but they aren’t doing anything to make you stay.

And if someone doesn’t give you a good enough reason to stay, then you have your answer.

When something or someone good comes into your life and they are giving their best, that’s all you can do. If the other person doesn’t see that as value or do something about it, other than confuse the shit out if you, that’s on them.

And you can’t try harder or do more or be different to make them realize.

For any relationship regardless of what it is or isn’t, think of it as something on a 100% scale. With a healthy relationship, it will be 50% of exerted energy from each person.

But when it’s the “what the fuck,” scenario of one good day and a bad one the next, that’s effort and energy followed by pulling back. And as a result, a lot of people will try and overcompensate because the person has pulled away.

Then the scale is off. When you are exerting more than 50% of effort and energy, you’ll find that unbalance that leaves you uneasy, confused, upset because you are not getting what you deserve.

And you appreciate the person, you want to be with them, maybe you haven’t stopped thinking about them but you have to be able to see when the relationship is only being maintained because of you. If someone is only exerting 25% you shouldn’t be going the 75%. Go the same 25% and what you’ll find is there isn’t a relationship to be had between you two.

That’s the hardest thing people don’t want to realize about relationships is that they were the only ones holding on.

The effort has got to match. The respect has got to be mutual.

When it’s right, you won’t be confused.

And if someone does leave you confused walk away because it’s themselves they are unsure of.

Don’t think it’s something you’ve done wrong. Don’t think it’s you that isn’t good enough or something you need to change. There’s difference between being good enough and the person not being good for you.

But a lot of times when you invest too much time and effort into someone, we fall into this mindset of building these people up and knocking ourselves down in the process.

We are led to believe if they are rejecting us or leading us on, it’s us that has to prove something. But that’s wrong.

And maybe in your mind, this person might be everything you could want in a partner, successful, attractive, hard working, driven and maybe a lot of your goals even align. But there’s a difference between someone you want and someone you need.

You don’t need someone who is going to hurt you or lead you on. You don’t need someone fucking with you because they are unsure of how they feel about themselves or their life.

Wouldn’t you rather someone who is as sure of you as you are them? Because that’s what you deserve.

But human nature, we do more than we are supposed to.

We overcompensate.

We try too hard trying to prove something.

But the only thing you need to prove to someone is that you deserve someone who meets you halfway.

Everyone loves the chase.

Everyone loves the games even when we claim we don’t.

Everyone wants the people who don’t want them.

Because we’ve been falsely led to believe, love is supposed to be complicated. When in reality it is so simple.

Love people with everything you have, give your best and hope it’s enough. Because it is enough.

You know in your heart when something isn’t right or you’re doing too much. Follow that instinct.

If you’ve given your best and you’ve done everything you can for a person and your best still isn’t “good enough” for them, then it isn’t you and your own reflection that lacks something, it’s the other person and their inability to see something good right in front of them.

Don’t discredit what you have to offer just because someone doesn’t see your worth.

The right person will show you love is supposed to be easy and straightforward and honest and fill you with a confidence you’ve never known before.

“One man’s “I’m not ready” is another man’s “I knew the second I saw her.” -Meredith Marple
TC mark