It’s unanswered text when she sends two. It’s a canceled plan an hour before. It’s some bullshit lie that she believed because she cares about you. It’s constantly letting her down when she wouldn’t dare do the same.
It’s a drunk text that she actually answers. Even though when the tables are turned you ignore her
It’s thinking you can do better than some girl who is easy to read. Because there is something more appealing about someone who keeps you guessing and messes with you the way you do her.
She wears her emotions across her face like some mask, she doesn’t hide behind but she isn’t afraid of it.
It’s using her as some backup plan when she’s only ever made you her first choice.
The truth is as scared as she might be following her heart, I know you are more scared of her. You are scared of someone you know could be good for you. You’re scared of getting it a little too right. You’re scared of falling in love so you say you aren’t ready. You say she isn’t right. You come up with any excuse you can. And she simply takes it without any animosity.
It’s a hookup that’ll never be more and you know it hurts her to leave in the morning.
It’s a text or snap you send not because you want to hear from her but you want to know she’ll answer. You want to know you still have her if you want, even though you don’t actually want her enough to do something about it.
We are conditioned into thinking love is supposed to be some game we play, when to answer, what to say, when to like something, when to open something, who cares more and who can show it less. Everyone is so paranoid about making the wrong move when it comes to dating, they get in their own way. But a good girl doesn’t play by some rule book. The only rule she follows is that of her heart, letting every emotion and feeling lead the way.
But when you play a good girl you’re really playing yourself out of the best thing that could happen to you.
You lose her confidence in you.
She’s no fool. And she knows exactly what you are doing. And as kind, as she is and as much as she bites her tongue every time you let her down, she cares a little less. As someone she used to look at with admiration, she looks at you questioning everything as well as her own judgment. She loses confidence in you as well as herself for caring about someone like that.
You lose her faith in you.
She went from looking at you and speaking so highly of all you were to not expecting much out of you. But if it were her you wouldn’t have to question anything.
You lose her trust.
She went from trusting everything you said to no longer expecting much. She enters situations with the expectation of being disappointed and let down. Which is really sad because she thought you were different.
You broke the heart of someone who would never do the same.
She’ll still look at you and smile. She’ll still appear to be happy to see you. She won’t hold a grudge because you weren’t capable of loving her back. But you’re going to have to live with knowing you broke the heart of someone who didn’t deserve it. For your own pride and ego boost, you led someone on because you needed to know someone cared even when you couldn’t care back.
You miss out on a chance at real unconditional love.
She would have loved you unconditionally. In fact, she did. She loved and cared about you regardless of everything you did to her. And she still looked at you with eyes of admiration thinking she was the lucky one. What she didn’t realize was, she was the one who settled. She was the one giving love away so carelessly to someone who didn’t deserve it. What she didn’t realize and will one day is that she deserves more than someone who makes love to be such a cold game.
You lose her.
But in the end, you’ll lose her. She’ll get over you. She’ll move on. She’ll find someone who can love her the way you weren’t able to.
And while you are up late at night and you’re out of people to play and you’re laying there alone going through contacts that don’t seem to answer, you’ll come across her name. You’ll contemplate pushing send. But you delete it because even you know she deserves better.