The Different Types Of Weddings There Are
The Rager Wedding
Yes, this is absolutely the first one that came to mind. What can I say? I’m a frequent flier on the HotMessExpress and so whenever I hear the word “wedding” I immediately think about fun dresses, free booze and getting someone to do the worm. Of course, it’s really dependent on the people involved. But if the bride and groom are social butterflies or a large portion of the guests all grew up together, chances are it’s going to be one hell of a party. Get ready to take shots with the same parents who grounded you in high school, witness some party-induced bloodshed and possibly share a romantic moment with your 6th grade boyfriend/girlfriend when “Let Me Clear My Throat” comes on.
The Homemade Wedding
For some reason, I think of the south when I think of at-home, backyard weddings. Maybe it’s because of the movie Sweet Home Alabama. Either way, I envision a clear night sky where you can actually see the stars, a tire-swing hanging beneath a soft weeping willow tree, and a lot of grandparents, everywhere. All alive. Also, the family dog will be the ring bearer and mimosas will be served at breakfast.
The Swanky Wedding
Have you ever been to a bar mitzvah/bat mitzvah or one of those wildly overdone Sweet 16s? Have you kept in contact with the host? I hope so because their wedding is going to RULE. It’s going to be on an enclosed rooftop in New York City in the late spring or early fall and everyone in attendance is going to be stunning. Even the cocktail waitresses will look like sleek stock-photography models. And they’ll be serving foie gras and Veuve Clicquot upon your arrival. Wear something made of silk and try to channel a level of classy drunk (is that a thing?) because whatever you do, it might be in the papers tomorrow.
The Vegas Wedding
We can’t talk about weddings and fail to mention how much Las Vegas has done for us in this arena, can we? Sure, The Hangover and Britney Spears make it seem like a not-so great decision, but is it really so bad to get hitched on impulse while intoxicated and chock-full of illegal substances? Is it really so appalling to wake up in a motel wearing an “I <3 random-person” tee-shirt and drooling on crumbled, marriage papers? Ugh, I guess it is. Whatever, Vegas, here I come!
The Romantic Elopement
Obviously, if you are a part of this wedding, you’re either the bride or groom, in which case, rock on with your beloved and secretive ways. Seriously, an intimate elopement must be one of the rawest thrills to share with another human being and we couldn’t be happier for you. Now, can we at least get an after party?
The Destination Wedding
The destination wedding can pretty much take the form of any of the listed weddings, just tag on a few extra grand per person and add a shade or two of sunburnt red to everyone’s skin tone in the wedding pictures.
The Nightmare Wedding
Ah, the nightmare wedding. Bridezillas and Groomzillas galore! You know exactly who they are, too — everyone has at least one friend who is just bat-shit crazy and you dread the day they get engaged. And I’m from Jersey, so I have, like, a lot of those friends (LOL, I’m JK-ing, guys! Sort of!). Anyway, this bat-shit crazy friend, she’ll show you a huge, gleaming ring and you’ll immediately be like “Eeeek!” and “Congratulations!” and “Love you, just please don’t ask me to be in your wedding party, K?” You may also witness bloodshed at the nightmare wedding but it’s less “Oops, fell on my face during karaoke again!” and more “Who just punched Grandma!? That was rude…”
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.