25 Actual Skills We Would Put On Our Resumes If We Didn’t Really Care About Being Employed
By Kim Quindlen
1. Strong ability to pull up decoy Excel spreadsheet in short amount of time when boss walks over to desk.
2. Can come up with incredible, detailed excuses for coming in late after drinking too much at office happy hour.
3. Knows how to make a show of putting in headphones so coworker knows that they should STFU now.
4. Consistently keeps eye on who’s currently in the kitchen before getting up to refill coffee.
5. Knows which coworkers to approve of as Facebook friends based on how they would react to tagged photo history.
6. “Language Skills: Conversational in Spanish” is code for “able to say hola, gracias, and anything else Pitbull says in beginning of songs.”
7. Can make it to work on time after only waking up thirty-two minutes ago.
8. Always saves up sick days to cash in on when going on secret job interviews elsewhere.
9. Really good at pretending to care about current ailment of coworker’s pet.
10. Great at identifying who’s popping in the adjacent stall based on their shoes.
11. Proficient in Microsoft Word and that’s it.
12. Can wait at least four seconds after getting home before proclaiming “I hate my job” to significant other.
13. Knows which coworkers to invite on a Starbucks coffee run, and can do so quietly so that no one else gets involved.
14. Also knows how to explain to elder boss what the point of going to Starbucks is when “there’s coffee here.”
15. Has gained 20 pounds since college from dedication to soulless, work life monotony.
16. Capable of using subtle sarcasm when replying to passive-aggressive emails.
17. Consistently has face of concentration and ability to look busy to ensure being left alone.
18. Can come up with excuse off top of head when asked to stay late.
19. Can decipher if coworker or boss is mad based on how many smiley faces and exclamation points are used in email.
20. Able to convince officemates of being a real person while still sharing as little personal information as possible.
21. Has gotten used to saying “Happy Holidays” in work-related communication.
22. Capable of acting interested and shocked when boss tells story for 8th time.
23. Always times lunch break around that of various coworkers in order to ensure solitude.
24. Treats boss’s absence for the day like a mini-vacation.
25. Regularly revisits ideal life/job day-dream when unable to handle shitty Monday’s.