The 12 Undeniable Stages Of Being Forced To Go Out By Your Best Friend
By Kim Quindlen
1.The “I’m pretty sure nothing’s going on tonight” hope
It’s only eight o’clock at night but you’ve already given up on any semblance of a fun night out. You’re in your ugliest but most cherished lazy outfit: gigantic sweatpants, an oversized t-shirt, no bra for miles. Your best friend has not given up though, no matter how many times you try to make a broad, sweeping statement about how literally nothing is happening tonight, regardless of how much you actually know.
2. Fear, and a forced appearance of apathy
Suddenly, your friend hears of something. A party, a pregame, a special at a bar. You’re screwed. She’s up and about, bustling around the apartment and getting ready while she talks about how fun tonight will be. You insist on staying in and you try to make it out like you don’t care, but she knows you do.
3. Unwanted but irrepressible interest
You can’t stop yourself from asking questions while trying to seem vague and disinterested. “Huh, so who’s all going tonight?” you ask, as you scroll through Netflix and act like you’re barely listening. “You guys know what bar you’re going to yet?” You’re dying inside. YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
4. The listing of vague and stupid excuses
At this point your friend has started yelling at you to get off your ass and get ready. But you’re resilient, you will not be leaving this couch tonight. You start throwing out one stupid excuse after another: I ate too much for dinner and I’m too fat to go out. I don’t have anything to wear. I have to be productive tomorrow. I really wanna chill out and watch Netflix. But I went out last night. The list is endless, and your bestie is hearing NONE of it.
5. Utter defiance
Your friend has started laughing at you in a horribly all-knowing kind of way. You can tell just by looking at her that she thinks you’re going to cave. You’re going to get up at any minute and tell her that she’s won, that you’ll go out. This just makes you even more furious and even more set on never leaving your couch. All you want is to prove her wrong.
6. Severe decision-making angst
And then the walls start to crumble. You can feel your sturdy mindset starting to waver. You make the mistake of sharing this thought out loud with your friend and she takes it and runs with it. She capitalizes on your angst, coming up with counterpoints in the blink of an eye to any excuse you try to give about why you shouldn’t go. She says something super annoying like, “I mean… you know you’re going to end up going out. I don’t even know why you’re still bothering to sit there.”
7. Fear-Of-Missing-Out
And in an instant, it has you – FOMO. You start thinking, yeah maybe tonight will suck, but at the same time, what if tonight is THE night? The night that everything happens and all the funny pictures are taken and everybody is hilariously and heinously drunk and all sorts of crazy shit happens and I miss it, because I spent two hours scrolling through Netflix before ultimately deciding on an episode of 30 Rock that I’ve seen 4 times?
8. Defeat and disgust
You admit defeat. You’re going out. You tell your friend and she’s thrilled, but you hate yourself. Just once, you thought you had made it – you thought you had finally won out in the war against going out. But once again, you lost, because you’re weak and you suffer from severe FOMO and your friend is annoyingly convincing. You’re pissed, girl.
9. Whining
You’ve made the decision, but you’re already regretting it. You’re yelling at her from down the hall as you sift through your closet and tell yourself over and over that this is a bad idea. She can’t hear you but you don’t care; you yell, “I hate you you dumb betch” anyway.
10. The “Go go make me a drink so I don’t hate you”
She swings into your room arrogantly, while you squeeze into your going-out jeans and jump several times in order to make it possible to pull them up. She gives you a smirk that says something along the lines of I knew I would win and you just look at her and tell her to go make you a drink – a strong one – before you kill her.
11. Obnoxious amounts of love and complimenting
Several drinks later, you magically no longer hate her. You guys are at the pregame now and all sense of your regret and anger has been washed away with vodka or tequila or whiskey or all 3 if it’s that kind of night. You throw your arms around her and slur about how much you love her and how she’s a great friend for making you go out because this is gonna be the ~*BeSt NiGhT EvEr*~
12. Shame and blame
The next morning you crack one mascara-smeared eye open like a monster waking in its lair. And in an instant, all you can think about is how you’re going to kill her. Because yeah technically it was your decision to make and she’s a great friend and you had a blast and blah blah blah, but you’re hungover AF and that sucks and it feels better to hate someone else for it. Friendship is so gr8 <3