Thought Catalog
March 17, 2017

Here’s What Would Happen On A Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ Starring The Thought Catalog Staff Writers: Episode Two

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🌹🌹🌹Chris Harrison Voice: Previously on, The Bachelor!🌹🌹🌹

(Our good guy Bachelor met the contestants, the lady writers of TC. Instant connections were palpable with Bianca, Marisa, Rania, and of course, Ari – who shared the season’s first kiss. Limo exits were plenty, and the wine and champagne is already a-pouring. Let’s find out what’s going to happen on this episode of The Bachelor!!)


Back in the mansion most of the the girls have settled around the fire pit, anxiously playing with their hair and nervously sipping champagne. Katie says what’s on everyone’s mind.

“Doesn’t anybody else think it’s bizarre that we’re all here and he’s MIA?”

As if hit by 1000 bricks, the girls begin to realize that they haven’t seen our Bachelor since Kendra’s extra champagne toast. Unfazed by this realization are Becca, Heidi, and Chrissy, who haven’t moved from the kitchen island and are excitedly discussing the various beaches they’ve visited in the last year.

Seemingly on cue, the Bachelor and Ari make their way back up the hill overlooking the grounds of the mansion. Everyone starts “whispering” (aka: murmuring loud enough to hopefully get a good enough sound bite to be featured on TV) about them. Holly points out that Ari’s hair is definitely messier than before and she’s flushed and glowing.

“That’s a makeout look if I’ve ever seen one,” she comments.

Kendra, standing directly next to her, nods slowly and sips the glass in her hand slowly. It’s obvious she switched to something a bit harder than Bachelor endorsed white wine.

“Interesting…” she quips.

“Welcome back!” someone hollers a little too enthusiastically at the blushing couple. Ari laughs shyly and hurries to sit down with the other girls, doing her best to keep her rose hidden against her arm. Our Bachelor’s hand trails along her back as she moves away from him, in that sweet guy sort of way.

“Lauren,” he shifts to Lauren who is cuddled between Rania and Bianca. “I would love to take a minute to chat with you, sound alright?”

She nods and gives little glances to the two women beside her, who offer up “Yes, go.” nods of reassurance.

They walk hand in hand to the perfectly situated pool side gazebo as the other girls watch. Kendra, not wasting any time, swoops in and grabs Ari’s hand without a word. Ari looks a little taken aback, but follows her inside where they sit fireside.

“You,” Kendra practically orders. “Spill. Tell me everything.”

Unable to hide the rose in her arms, Ari tries to nonchalantly place it beside her. But…not nonchalantly enough.

“Holy shit,” (Kendra is the standards committee’s worst nightmare.) “Are you serious?!”

Ari tries to gesture to keep her quiet. “Yeah but I so, so, so don’t want to make it a big deal.”

Kendra sips her drink again. “It is a big deal! That’s crazy. So you guys have like, pretty instantaneous chemistry, huh?”

Ari blushes and looks down.

“Oh my god,” Kendra presses. “You totally kissed him already, didn’t you?”

“What?” Ari tries to play it off.

“You did.” Kendra points at her in that accusatory but “spill the deets” kind of way with a sly smile.

Ari leans in. “Okay so maybe. But you know how these things are. I don’t want to suddenly have a bunch of girls making assumptions about me or coming for me because I kissed a guy I feel connected to. I’d rather keep things between us as much as possible. Is that okay?”

Kendra nods. “Of course.

In the gazebo next to the pool Lauren and the Bachelor sit a little awkwardly side by side.

“So…” he tries to start.

“I’m sorry,” she cuts him off with a hand cutely on his leg. “I’m really bad at this stuff and I wasn’t lying. I’m so, so nervous.”

He places a hand warmly on hers. “You don’t have to be nervous. This is completely weird. I get it.”

She lets out a nervous laugh. “That’s reassuring.”

“Why don’t we do this,” he offers. “We’ll be completely stereotypical and say three random facts about ourselves. Like the more random the better.”

Lauren nods. “Okay I can do that. But you have to go first.”

He coyly sticks out a hand in a cheesy way. “Shake on it?”

This obviously charms Lauren and she shakes his hand. “Deal.”

Back at the house most of the girls are fire side with Chrissy, who is explaining who all would be compatible with who based on their astrological signs. Kirsten comments how she wishes she had a notebook handy so she could write it all down for later. Chrissy promises to make her a checklist and to email her everything she needs to know as soon as they’re allowed to have technology again.

Lauren and the Bachelor are laughing and looking very cozy, which everyone can’t help but notice.

“I’m just going to go say hi,” Mélanie murmurs, and leaves the zodiac conversation.

In a corner off of the kitchen, where almost no one would notice, Kendra is chatting with a blonde producer in RayBan glasses. She eyeballs Mélanie, who softly interrupts the conversation happily poolside. Lauren nods enthusiastically and offers up her seat, making her way back to the group of girls.

Kendra looks back at the producer and though you can’t be sure, it looks like she mouths, “I’ve got this.”

With that, she sidles up to the kitchen island and expertly uncorks a bottle of white wine.

“Lauren! Becca! Do you guys need a refill?”