1.

Please stop with the whole “back of the head” grab and push thing when we’re going down on you. We’ve got it. We are very aware of what to do thank you KINDLY. All you’re doing is A) hurting us OR B) pissing us off. Or both. You’re also creating a potential gagging scenario and yo, that’s not gonna be fun for anyone. Truuuuust.

2.

Don’t just risk it that someone’s going to be into your spit. Like don’t spit onto our crotches prior to diving on in, don’t spit into your hand while straddling us and putting it somewhere else, don’t spit on our chests while you’re really going for it. Just stop spitting. STOP. When in doubt – don’t spit.

3.

Cut. your. fucking. nails. Doesn’t matter if they’re just doing some old school finger banging or getting kinkier and going in other places. If they are jagged or *shudder* dirty? PUT THEM ELSEWHERE SIR. (Like a sink. Seriously like in a sink.)

4.

Please stop referring to yourself as “daddy.” Like…not here to kink shame so if that’s your thing and you’re all, “Omg #4 was PROBLEMATIC” and you’re about to rant on tumblr fine I guess – go for it. But when a dude just ASSUMES that someone’s going to be into that and not instantly feel very infantilized and cringey they’re often v. v. wrong. Guys who call themselves daddy, sexually or otherwise, are 9 times out of 10 the cringiest of the bunch. Quote me.

5.

If you feel like keeping your socks on you’re not emotionally mature enough to be having sex. End of story.

6.

The lyrics “la la la lick you from your head to your toes” was just clever rhythmically, it shouldn’t actually be done. Feeling a dry tongue lick you is hands down one of the creepiest things ever. And like…why are you licking our ribs? Are you pretending you’re at Famous Dave’s? I don’t get it, it’s just weird.

7.

If you’re going to go for the choke (which also like…ask first) your fingertips should not be ANYWHERE near the jugular. Fingertips = bruising. Bruises on the neck = concerned co-workers/friends/family/Uber drivers/professors/baristas/everyone. Don’t make the girl you’re fucking walk around with an imprint of your dexterities on her neck. It’s rude.

8.

Stop throwing the pillows everywhere. They might come in handy later when we need to MacGyver something to stop your bad knees from hurting and get our hips in the air. See? You’re welcome for our blatant inability to say no to throw pillows.

9.

If you’re being completely silent and just making really bizarre faces and holding your breath, we are completely within our right to assume you’re not having an orgasm – you’re having a stroke.

10.

But, also don’t pretend you’re being filmed. This isn’t an audition. Cut the overly excited moaning and wild gesturing please and thank you.

11.

If toys aren’t your thing, totes fine. But please stop acting like we just chopped off one of your balls by having the audacity to suggest a little vibrating action. It’s not going to hurt you, and you might like it. If we have to put up with you suggesting anal every other Friday, a little bullet vibe shouldn’t hurt your feelings.

12.

And while we’re on butt stuff, stop trying to make it just “happen.” Butt stuff, lemme tell you, takes PREP. There’s no such thing as spontaneous anal and if someone tells you otherwise, they’re selling something. So your “slipping it in” or “just letting it happen” isn’t fooling anyone and it fucking hurts. If you want anal, talk about it. If you can’t talk about it, drop it. End of discussion.

13.

When you’re going down on a girl, don’t do the alphabet. Every girl has heard that joke in Shameless and we can tell. It’s obvious by ‘B’ I can assure you.

14.

Stop trying to move us around when we’re on top. We’re not a sex doll and you’re ruining it.

15.

Please pay attention to your sweat. If you’re a sweaty human, that’s fine. But nothing is grosser than when sweat rolls off of a guy’s nose and onto your face while they’re humping you. Like seriously nothing.

16.

We’re super stoked that you’re about to cum. Honestly — mazel. But please oh PLEASE don’t take that as your cue to fire up the jackhammer. It make us dizzy, nauseous, hurts our pelvis, and is just generally not fun. We’ve just had sex, please don’t ruin it by causing a seizure. TYSM.