“I’m a millennial girl
In a millennial world.
Life is plastic
And by that I mean it’s a debit card I hope doesn’t get declined…”
1. Hungover And Hangry Barbie
Barbie had a NiGhT last night and yes, she’s feeling it. After pre-gaming with Barefoot and Bieber at Midge’s place (and stalking Ken on Find Friends to make sure he really WAS working late), Barbie and the girls made their way to the club to get their DANCE on. They slammed back lemon drops and birthday cake shots (even though it was nobody’s birthday) and screamed “THIS IS MY JAMMMMMM” doing the white-girl-bandage-skirt waddle to the dance floor every time a Beyoncé song came on.
But now it is morning, and Barbie has a hangover. The last thing she remembers is screaming at Ken over an Instagram some bitch named Summer posted with him captioned “Love My Work Hubby *red heart emoji*” and demanding that he call her an Uber. She comes fully equipped for this hungover brunch with three different apology texts formatted, last night’s makeup, sunglasses to block out the light, and baby wipes for just in case she has to run to the bathroom to puke up the benedict she’s about to devour.
2. Work From Home In Sweats While Binge Eating Everything In The Apartment Barbie
Barbie may or may not be rocking her high school track sweats with a hole right near the va-jay-jay and the shirt she slept in last night. But it’s oh-kay-kay because she’s working from home today. The only movement she’s making is going from the couch to the fridge to continue eating shredded cheese directly from the bag, and peanut butter with a spoon. She has her Warby Parkers, her laptop that DEFINITELY has seen a few Doritos crumbs in its day, and her “get shit DONE SON” playlist that’s basically just “Work Bitch” on repeat on Spotify to keep her motivated.
Barbie’s kind of living the dream to be honest.
Until she looks in a mirror and sees the greasy swamp witch she truly is. That’s why she comes with a quick sock bun kit! In a mere 30 seconds she goes from “hot mess” to “god bless.”
3. “Do You Think He’s Ghosting On Me?” Barbie
Barbie played the Tinder game again and it is not. going. well.
After a delightful date getting sushi and discussing the ins and outs of how much they were both traumatized by Making a Murderer, followed by an even BETTER second date where he met her and Theresa for hiking followed by bottomless bubbles (it COUNTS), Barbie was ~supes~ excited about her potential new BF. But now it’s been four days and she hasn’t heard from him. He hasn’t favorited any of her tweets, liked any of her nail art Instas, and didn’t even respond when she got desperate and sent him the waving girl emoji. She’s stalked him on every website thinkable; she even went on LinkedIn for shit’s sake.
But now it’s 2 AM, she’s obsessively checking her phone every 10 minutes hoping to see the typing bubble, and she has to wonder…is she being ghosted? Luckily Barbie’s phone doesn’t come with a charger, because she probably left it in an Uber. So eventually that sucker is gonna die and she’s just gonna have to deal.
4. Is Somehow Still Obsessed With Pinterest Barbie
She is a one woman Pinterest trend in a chevron box.
She’s fully styled to a T (or should we say, to a P) with the upside-down-French-braid bun, a DIY bleach splattered Tee and DIY distressed denim, her nails are DIY ombré but also flecked with modge lodge because she has so many crafts to finish! There’s the homemade yarn wreath, the crayon art, the homemade snow globes in leftover Patron bottles, and (not a craft but…) the ever present Buffalo Chicken Dip to make. Can you help Barbie finish all of her crafts? Or will they inevitably end up shoved in a closet next to the rollerblades and yoga mat from when she was going to be a fitness blogger?
5. Freshly Post Grad Barbie
Oh Barbie. So much for spending four years and $40,000 on “something I LOVE”, huh?
Barbie’s feeling the PRESSURE since graduation day. She knows it’s only a matter of time until she has to start paying for her loans and she’s not fully confident in the tip money she’s currently banking from the Dream Café on being able to afford those. She’s applying for every job she can find on Mattel’s Indeed and Monster, but they want so much experience and she spent college chasing Ken who’s heading to law school now instead of doing her own internships. She has a GRE prep book but it’s still in the Amazon box, but she does also come with a lot of crippling self-doubt so that’s something!
6. YouTuber Barbie
When Barbie was Skipper’s age she posted a video online simply holding up every little pink tank top her mom had bought her for back to school. Flash forward to seven years and several hundred self-edited videos later and Barbie has the rare dream career: the YouTuber.
Barbie is not above doing anything for the AdSense, which is why she is the most ADAPTABLE of the group. Viewers want a beauty video? She’ll Sephora haul it UP and show all 300k of them how to make those brows on fleek. Everyone’s requesting a Q&A? She’s going to be in front of that Canon, being way too honest for a strangers enjoyment. YouTuber Barbie doesn’t play around. She’s going to hit a million subscribers if it KILLS her.
She comes equipped for her fast paced, online line with the vlogging camera that never leaves her side, a ridiculous comments section filled with mass amount of body-shaming and hate, and an Audible.com sponsorship because again: $$$.
7. I ACTUALLY Woke Up Like Dis Barbie
She is not fit for public viewing.
Barbie was not expecting company and she’s not exactly a pretty sight. There’s leftover spot treatment on her 20 something acne, she’s wearing a robe to try to be decent but it’s still obvious she’s braless, and her once coifed sleep bun is falling out on one side making her look like a Skrillex impersonator with pillow marks all over her face.
There’s not a whole lot that can be done to her appearance without a shower and an IV of coffee, but luckily she does have some toothpaste and a little bit of a sample of perfume from a Birchbox left to cover up her oh-so-pungent “essence of 8 AM” before she answers the door.
8. Parentally-Funded Barbie
When you get Parentally-Funded Barbie you not only get the blonde with NO roots that comes from a $120 salon job instead of a Garnier box; you get EVERYTHING else.
We’re talking the dream apartment, the private health insurance, the overage-free cellphone, the no-holding-back trips to Whole Foods. And all while she does ANOTHER internship or works three days a week as a barista while trying to be a singer alla Marnie on Girls. How you ask? How does she stay so well kept on such a minimum wage income? Barbie Mom and Dad, of course! And an unwavering insistence against growing up.
The only thing shinier than her professionally waxed legs is the blue credit card she uses to pay the esthetician.
9. In The Middle Of A Break Up Barbie
It was pretty hard to get her to come out of hiding, but enticing her with a bottle of Cab Sav and a pint of ice cream that promises to be only 250 calories per pint got her out of her room.
Clearly Barbie has forgotten that they make waterproof mascara and, even more clearly, she has decided that washing her hair is not necessary. She’s wearing something that questionably looks like Ken’s shirt from his frat that he must have left behind, and she keeps humming “Someone Like You” when she thinks no one is listening.
If you press a button on her back she’ll switch from Adele to Sam Smith. She’s a downer. Not really anyone’s fave but you know you really need to be there for her right now.
10. Netflix And Chill Barbie
She’s moved on from break ups, on from Tinder, on from feeling sorry for herself. She’s accepted her independence as a woman in 2016, and she’s going to get SOME.
Netflix and Chill barbie is ready for some “it seems casual and spontaneous but is really ALL I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL DAY” sex. She meticulously showered and is smooth as the silk sheets she put on her bed to seem effortlessly sexy. She has enough Ikea candles going to be a fire hazard, and she’s ready with the $8 wine and the come hither looks.
Her hair looks intentionally messy and hot, her underwear is matching, she has a little laptop with her that is queued up with OITNB because let’s face it: Barbie knows what’s up. Life is about to be plastic and fantastic.
Or in her case, latex.