I Don’t Know How To Be Alone

I have always been the kind of girl that was in a relationship. Since I was 15. That was damn near 11 years ago. I was always with someone. It was just easy. I would fall in love…be with the person…then it would end. It was heartbreaking.  It was awful. It hurt. But the pain… It didn’t last long.

Often times, I wasn’t even looking. I was just going along. Getting by. And I would meet someone. It would happen and before you knew it I was committed again.

That was until recently. I was engaged. I went on vacation and he was supposed to come with me but didn’t at the last second. I didn’t find out the engagement was over until my friends were texting me, “What happened?!”A million thoughts went through my head, but none led me this. They told me I was single on Facebook. I logged on and sure enough my fiancé had deleted and blocked me. He then married a bartender 2 weeks later, but that’s neither here nor there.

It was rough but as so many have said, “I dodged a bullet.”  I believe them.

However, that was now 10 months ago. Mind you, in my whole life I think the longest I have been single is a consecutive THREE months. I never had to be broken— shattered. I never had to start from ground zero and rebuild myself, as I always found comfort in another.

I was proud of myself for picking up the pieces and relying on me and no one else for happiness. Until I met him. Him who immediately clutched on and reminded me of all the feelings I had been missing. Him who led me on and then changed his mind. Him who still found a way to keep me around despite still being in love with his ex and hooking up with other girls. Him that somehow convinced me to stick around because he knew I was desperate for everything, he merely had to contribute anything. A text, a call, help for money… he preyed on the weak and I was nothing but a victim I willingly put in his path. I guess I just wasn’t used to this.  I fell in my routine of being with someone that I overlooked how wrong he was.

So I thank him. He made reality… real. I am not always going to float from one person to the next. Not everyone is going to like me… let alone love me. And that is a good thing.

 

Now I know what I am worth. I don’t just want to be with someone because it is easy. I want to be with someone when it is hard. When it is ugly. But yet, we don’t give up. We know what it feels like to be deceived, lonely and confused…  and we are together only because we know how fulfilling it is when it is right. When there are no games. We are both strong and wise, we don’t NEED another person to complete us… but rather our two halves indeed make a whole.

I know what I want. I know what I need. But until then… I do not know how to be alone.