It’s okay that you still cry about someone who didn’t deserve your love. Your healing is not linear. You cry mourning the loss of someone you used to call your best friend and you grieve the future you will never have but talked about all the time.
The sadness, grief, and guilt pass by like waves. Some days you’re able to swim and other days it feels like you’re drowning. You cry because you still had so much love to give and it hurts to know someone didn’t want it. Please, let these feelings crash into you. Don’t try to brace yourself. Don’t try to fight them. Feel them vibrate through your body. Let them move into every inch of you body.
Welcome all the pain into you and nurture yourself through it. Your pain will lead you to a place of love. And breathe a sigh of relief when the feelings leave. For they are just feelings and they will always pass.
Don’t pay attention to or wonder about the horrible things he will say about you to other people. Because you know you are not a bad person. You know the information he feeds other people says more about him than it ever will you. And although it may tempt you, do not sink to that level. That is not you.
Leave this relationship as gracefully as you entered it. He will give them fragments that work in his favor while leaving out important details that would allow people a chance to put themselves in your shoes and understand the whole situation. Their words and opinions of you are empty because they are built from a perception that have nothing to do with who you are. You are not the things you said and did. You see now how you faltered and if he would have believed in you he could have seen you make those realizations.
Do not worry about the girls you see when you scroll through social media. Your insecurities about the girls say much more about you than it does him. Look at those feelings and ask yourself why they are there. If you find yourself filled with unworthiness when seeing he may be entertaining relations with other girls, that feeling is aching for you to dive deeper into yourself.
Know that whatever relationship he pursues whether it be serious or a fling it is avoidance of his own problems. It is him filling a void that can only be filled by himself. You already know he will not be able to have healthy relationships until he starts one deeply with himself but wish those girls well anyway.
Do not blame yourself for not trying more, doing more, or being more. You are so enough it hurts.
If he allowed you to, you would have moved mountains. You would have done so many things if he would have just given you a chance. If he just would have opened up. If he just would have told you how badly some things you do hurt him. Things you were oblivious to and would have stopped or tried to fix if you only knew how deep the hurt stung. If he could have cracked his heart open and been vulnerable. But he didn’t. Because those things didn’t happen it does not mean that you were not good enough.
Please forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could with what you had. You realize now the blocks and defense mechanisms you put up to protect yourself but ironically ended up hurting the relationship. He will never get to experience these profound changes and that is his loss. You were putting trust and security in him and not in yourself. You let him take on your problems. You let him kiss you in all the spots that ached. You let him pour his love into all the empty holes in your soul when you should have been doing that for yourself. Please be gentle when asking yourself for forgiveness.
You should never have to prove your worth to someone. The moment you start trying to have someone see how worthy you are is the moment you have lost your self worth.
You will find someone who will love you when you’re the best version of yourself and when you’re not. You know this is true because this is the way you loved him.
Until then, pour all the love that you would have given him into yourself and fill those voids with self love. I promise, someone will come along one day and appreciate the entirety of who you are. They will see your clear skies and storms as immense beauty and you will never be too much for them.