November 22, 2016

This Is How We Were In Love, But What Are We Now?

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Josh Felise
Josh Felise

At 15 years of age I met you for the first time.

You were quiet, nervous and awkward all at the same time.

You would laugh at the stupidest of jokes, and I lived for your smile.

Our jokes and rants about all the things that made us angry consumed me. I became astonished by you. Told myself it was just a crush.

At 15, you were my first kiss. It was a feeling that I can still remember today. I remember how awkward it started and how sweet it became.

At 16 years of age, I developed a feeling for you.

It was a feeling I was told I was too young to know how it feels.

I felt it with you, it was hidden in our flirtatious text messages and late night phone calls.

I felt that you knew what this feeling was, you knew it was love. I told you that I thought I loved you.

Love scared you, I could see it in your eyes and it was written on your face. So I lied and told you that I was kidding. Maybe it was my love that scared you.

That made you stay in my life a little longer.

Then you kissed me for the second time, you were my first French kiss. I pushed you away so that you would not feel my tears on your face caused by trying to deny my feelings for you.

At 16 and a half, you told me that you thought you loved a girl who was not me.

You didn’t use those words, but you would talk about how she made you feel and that you were happy with her.

In my broken heart, I got into a relationship that was full of nothing. I never felt anything in his kisses. He was not you.

Then one day, he broke up with me and I was so numb, not from the breakup but the fact that now I was alone. You had her, and I was now by myself.

Somewhere in all of this mess, you broke her heart too.

At 17, you told me that I was nothing to you.

You told me that you did not want me in your life anymore.

I was hurt, and all the walls that you had destroyed built up that same night.

I was in disbelief, because I still loved you. I still wanted nothing but you.

You, the same guy that knew all my deepest thoughts and troubles, the one that I trusted; walked away from me. Leaving me to my own devices.

I spent many nights since then crying myself to sleep. Eventually, I forgot that I loved you.

3 years go by, at 20 years of age, you messaged me again.

3 years of not speaking to me, you sent me a message from a number I did not remember.

My body went cold, my palms went sweaty, and a pit in my stomach formed.

What right did you have to try and come back? What right did you have to talk to me so causally as if you did not hurt me?

Why was I such a fool to let you back in? I did not love you. I have found someone who loves me deeply.

Why was I so affected by you? Why did you still have so much over me?

I remember screaming and yelling at you telling you how much pain you caused me, all you said was that you knew.

6 months go by, at 21 years of age, I broke down and messaged you.

You told me that you were sorry. You told me that you were in a relationship.

I pretended to be happy for you and pretended to be okay with my mental health.

Jealousy began to swirl because I never got closure for whatever we used to be, and I walked away from you this time.

This time I left you to your own devices. I let you stir in only some of the pain you caused me.
Remember, it was me who you walked away from first.

A year and a half goes by again, this time I am now 22 and going on 23.

This time it is the present. I have been with the same man for 5 years, the same man who has loved me since I was 18. He is my back bone and holds me when the world crashes down on me.

Yet, often you cross my mind. I wonder what you are doing and if you are still with that girl.

Then one anxiety attack a month ago, the worst I have had yet, comes along.

I find myself calling out for you by listening to old songs. Songs that remind me of you and how much you hurt me. It was like I craved to feel something.

I message you.

Presently, I am an emotional wreck.

My mental health is poor, and my mind is flooded by questions that will never get answers.

Does she know that you talk to me? Does she know that you and I have so much history together?

Does she know the reason you stay up late is to talk to me? Is she making you happy?

Because if she knew all of those and if she made you happy, you would not be telling me that you want to protect me.

You would not be talking to me at late hours of the night, you would be telling her about your aspirations and dreams. Not me.

I am not her, and maybe that kills you.

Maybe you realize that you shouldn’t have walked away from me, you don’t get to tell me you missed me when you never made an effort to keep me.

So, what are we now? It becomes less clear to me each day.

What were we then? There were too many heartbreaks along the way.

We have never been “just friends” that does not fit us.

We have never been a couple because, that does not fit us either.

We will never be “just friends” we share too much of a past with each other.

We both have left such an impact on one another and this is why there is no way to describe us.

We have become so intertwined that there will never be a way to describe us.

Now, all this leaves me with a few questions that will never get answers. I would never dare to even ask these questions.

My mind, is so confused with trying to understand what draws us to one another. We have always, gone back to one another in some sort of way and nothing can seem to stop this.

Did you miss me? This, I know. You told me that you missed my friendship because not a lot of people can handle you. This is because many of your opinions are controversial.

Why did you always keep my number after all these years? My number never changed, and yet I deleted yours but you always kept mine on your phone.

How much does she know about me? Is she aware of all the things we have shared together? Does she know how much you and I have in common?

Do you ever think about all we shared together? When you go to visit your parents, do you look at you backyard fence and remember that you kissed me against it all those years ago.

This back and forth, this push and pull relationship we have, it will always be there I think.

You will always have such an impact over me and I know in some way I have an impact over you. Otherwise why would you say you want to protect me? Protect me from what? You?

In some messed up way, you and I balance each other out. Just know that I will never forget the love that I felt for you all those years ago. I may not be in love with you, but I know that you affect me in some way still to this day. TC mark

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