Thought Catalog
June 14, 2017

Zagat Reviews Of Your Drunk Food

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Dollar Slice

“A hit all around” because it only costs “a dollar” and is almost “impressive” with how much “top-notch” oil and grease “oozes” through the “37 napkins you grabbed” and all over your clothes.

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a Spoonful of peanut butter because you haven’t PURCHASED groceries that weren’t Alcohol in three weeks

Considered “upmarket chic” because it’s “organic”; while definitely offering “fancy takes” on the traditional drunk food path, “definitely not a bargain” because you will be “immensely” hungover the next morning.

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Cheese fries

“Insanely good” and “cheap” but “offset” by the fact that you will “inevitably” throw it all up in “less than an hour wait.”

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Mozzarella Sticks

“If you can take the heat” then you will definitely start devouring these before the takeout guy has even left your front door. A nighttime “revelation” that offers an “awesome combination” of fried cheese that you will probably not be able to finish before “passing out in bed with all of the lights on.”

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Your roommate’s food

For those with “adventurous palates” seeking “unusual dishes,” definitely go for whatever is on your roommate’s side of the kitchen. “Outstanding” specialities including “her leftover takeout from a week ago” and “cereal she bought at Costco four months ago.”

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Handfuls of shredded cheese directly out of the bag

Fans praise the “authenticity” of “standing barefoot” next to your refrigerator in “serene” silence as you “stare blankly” at the condiment shelf and pull handfuls of shredded cheese out of the bag with “moderate” speed as you “blatantly ignore” your roommate crying on the bathroom floor.

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Cold cuts

Proving that cold cuts is not limited to “decadent” sandwiches, an “unbeatable selection” for a “late-night binge” would be just “shoveling” cold meat directly into your mouth—“oh-so-worth-it!”

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Any Kind Of Fast Food

Ideal for when you need to satisfy “whatever you crave.” From the “illustrious cuisine” of Taco Bell to the “more sane” option of McDonalds, fast food is an “historically abysmal” food option for 3AM. TC mark