November 14, 2016

11 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re A Generic White Guy

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sergey Svechnikov
sergey Svechnikov

1. Use a North Face backpack, even though you’re no longer 12.

Your mom bought it for you in 7th grade, and even though you got the most use out of it when you were sneaking water bottles of vodka into concerts throughout high school, you best believe you’re still going to be slugging this thing over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

2. Kick shit as you’re walking.

Empty can on the sidewalk? Kick it. A rock? Kick it. There’s a pigeon kinda walking close to you? Kick it. Someone left broken furniture on the street outside of their apartment? AND you’re kinda tipsy? Kick it.

3. Wrestle your friends—but, like, only when you’re drunk and bored and when it just makes sense to do so in the moment.

Look, you know that when Zander gets drunk, he’s gonna want to fight you. He’s going to chug his eleventh Bud Light, tear his shirt off, and then try to crush your face into the ground. It’s fundon’t think about it too much—nothing about it is erotic—everything is fine.

4. Destroy random objects for no reason.

Someone has a lighter? Uh, yeah, a bunch of shit is about to be set on fire. And, yeah, you’re going to saw a lacrosse ball in half just to see what the inside looks like.

5. Correct people that it’s actually a longboard, not a skateboard.

You cringe whenever Sarah berates you and is all, “Spencer, did you actually just skateboard here?” because it’s pretty obvious that you’ve been shredding the gnar with a longboard. Longboards are, like, way easier to control on turns.

6. Talk about how “fucking badass” Anthony Bourdain is.

You’ve seen one full season of “No Reservations,” so now you spend an extra 15 minutes searching restaurants on Yelp before picking a place to eat tacos.

7. Repeatedly Instagram a photo of you and 3-4 friends all in a line on a golf course.

It’s a source of perpetual Existential crises, because you’re not even sure if you actually like golf. Or the people you’re playing golf with.

8. Be unnecessarily competitive and loud while playing beer pong.

You just need to make it clear that you drank in high school, so you’ve got a solid decade or so of experience under your belt. So, watch your fucking elbows, Rob. 

9. Throw up the middle finger in pictures.

Epitome of chill. It’s so annoying that girls do the same pose in every photo they take.

10. Confidently talk about things you don’t know anything about.

You couldn’t possibly understand what Jenny is going through, but that’s certainly not going to stop you from telling her how to deal with it. She’s dealing with sexism in the workplace? You were once picked second-to-last for pick-up basketball and it was equally as devastating.

11. Wear a lot of vests.

Once that temperature hits below 70 degrees, you delicately unearth your coveted LL Bean vest from the inner depths of your closet and feel alive again. You feel the familiar power coursing through your veins—the kind of energy that can only come from wearing something sleeveless. At last. TC mark

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