October 18, 2016

What Your Generic Girlfriend’s Job Says About Her

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Nick Karvounis
Nick Karvounis

Public Relations

Claire has only worked as an assistant for a couple weeks now, but has already deemed all PR employees as ~*~her people~*~. Which is weird, frankly, because despite working in a field that is supposed to be able to effectively communicate to the public, Claire can never actually describe to you what she does everyday. She instead talks a lot about the knitted coffee cozies she seems to spend an exorbitant amount of money buying off of Etsy.

Event Planning

Lindsay has to make everything into some kind of event. Probably useful for her job, but when it comes to fights between you two, it is an absolute nightmare. She is the only person you personally know who is thrilled with the new iPhone not having a headphone jack, because she’s been saying for years that Bluetooth technology is “so chic.” She reacts to mishandled floral centerpieces the same way a cardiac surgeon would react to something going wrong during an operation. “Glossy bangs” are her number one priority at all times—she would probably leave you for dead if she had to choose between your life and spending five extra minutes blow-drying her hair. 

Yoga Teacher

Emily is incredibly out of your league. The only reason why she gave you the time of day in the first place is because she met you when you happened to be tying your shoe next to a golden retriever that was tied up outside of a juice store, and you totally pretended the dog was yours and you just finished a gallon of something called Green Monster (Emily’s favorite). But Emily meditates, so she has trouble telling when people are lying or being evil.

Internet Writer

Gabby really loves feelings. A lot. It somewhat makes things weird for you because you try to be supportive about her being a writer (???), but everything she writes about (you’re pretty sure) is some weird, blanketed statement about your relationship. “804 Things You Wish Your Man Did For You In Bed, But He’s Too Scared To Try”? She came up with 804?! Like, damn, Gabby. How many people read this?

Social Media Intern

Erin will stop you mid-sentence so that she can scribble down a clever Instagram caption that she was just thinking about while you were talking. She still has her parents’ credit card in her wallet “for emergencies,” but whenever she gets a certain level of drunk, she’ll whip it out and start buying random people rounds of shots. It’s hard to plan things with her because she is constantly stressed about “postings” and “timeliness” and “boosting posts to the Explore page” and other things you don’t understand. Anytime you ask a question about what she does that toes the line of possibly dismissing it as a real job, she won’t respond to your texts for 48 hours and posts dreamy nighttime cityscape Snapchats with what she calls “internet poetry” as the captions. TC mark

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