How Do I Tell You I Am Just Not That Into You?

I mean, let me start off by saying that you’re great. And not in the same way that I think my dog or my UPS man is great…I mean in the most sincere way possible, you are an awesome person. You’re considerate, you’re an awesome listener, and kudos to you for being a successful guy with a bomb job (and I will admit you aren’t half bad looking, especially naked).

But for me, the feelings just never made it past metaphorical first base. And instead of forcing something that can never be, I am going to have end this. I am trying to do this in a painless manner so if you haven’t noticed it yet…here are the subtle hints I have been dropping to let you know it’s not happening:

1. The duck-and-dodge texting.

Notice how in the beginning, I responded within the second to your text messages? One could assume my phone was literally glued to my hip and with every alerting ping my iPhone made — my witty yet casual responses were soon to follow. But now, my texts aren’t so punctual. Maybe you’ll get lucky and get a text from me in 20 minutes or in 2 hours. It’s not that I’m purposely ignoring you, I am trying to let you know that hey…..*45 minute pause*..…I’m just not that into you.

2. You haven’t met my friends — or anyone else in my life for that matter.

No, you aren’t a social pariah and you don’t have lazy eye that follows people weirdly across the room. You just haven’t met my friends yet because I’m trying to create some distance — you know, quit while we are ahead. As stated, you’re awesome and I think you could get along with my friends but remember, I am just not that into you. So I’m sparing you the nervous pit sweats you’ll get when you are worried about meeting my roomies hoping they like you. I am sparing you from the awkwardness if you were to ever run into my friends out at the bars. See all that avoided discomfort? You’re welcome.

3. The elusive “maybe” responses.

Hey, want go for a hike? Wanna make dinner at my place? Are you up for a movie tonight? My response: “Maybe, swamped with work right now.” If I am constantly using the word maybe in my vocabulary, it’s not because “maybe” is my word of the week. I’m purposefully being hard to pin down because I don’t want to hang out; organizing my closet is really a pressing task in my life right now. I will have you know though this point I’m not entirely proud of…but it is easier to respond with a “maybe” when you ask to hang out then a plain flat “no.” I mean I’m not that into you, but I’m not a complete bitch. Maybe I’m just letting you down with ease, is it working?

4. Is that the end zone? Nope, that’s the Friend Zone.

This one has to be the clearest of them all, if I drop the word friend into conversations regarding the two of us, it’s because I consider you a friend…and that’s it. Yes, we did sleep together, so that could muddle this interpretation a bit. But let’s just think of this friendship as the new progressive 21st century friendship; you know, where we can be the kind of friends who remain friendly even after weird situations like this? If so, great, glad we are still friends… If I say “friend” one more time, will that emphasize that I’m just not into it anymore?

It’s like the saying goes, “If you love something, set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours.” So go, be free, read the signs, but please (for both of our sakes) don’t come back because… I am just not that into you.