July 2, 2014

18 Ways To Be Super Patriotic This 4th Of July

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1. Do a patriotic manicure. Nothing says freedom quite like a red, white, and blue manicure. If you’re feeling ambitious, try to replicate the stars and stripes with an accent nail!

2. Buy red, white, and blue Adirondack chairs. One quick visit to your local Home Depot, and you’ll be sitting on the patriot’s equivalent of the Iron Throne

3. Decorate using no less than 10 American flags. You might have an American flag flying from your flagpole year-round, but on this holiday, one isn’t sufficient. Buy at least 10 more flags of varying sizes and stick them everywhere. If you really truly love the land of the free, create a perimeter of American flags that frames your entire front yard.

4. Interrupt the flood of nationalistic Facebook posts with some cynical political commentary that promises to unspangle someone’s banner. “I won’t be proud to be an American as long as Obama’s in office…”

5. Wear red, white, and blue and mention it in conversation as often as possible. Make sure you let everyone know that wearing the color of America’s (and France’s, Australia’s, Luxembourg’s, Russia’s, Thailand’s, Cuba’s, etc.) flag was not a coincidence.

6. Horrify everyone when you try to hit the high note at, “land of the free” during the national anthem. You may not be invited to sing at any baseball games, but you’ll be making an important statement that rivals the Boston Tea Party.

7. Wear an Uncle Sam hat (usually after drinking heavily). It’s not flattering on everyone, but when you combine American pride and headwear, magic happens.

8. Impress everyone with obscure America facts that don’t easily make it into everyday conversation. DID YOU KNOW THE WILD TURKEY WAS ALMOST OUR NATIONAL BIRD!??! George Washington didn’t really have wooden teeth!!!! John Quincy Adams skinny-dipped in the Potomac River!

9. Vocally support the troops for one day, then go back to never thinking about them.On Twitter July 4th: Without our brave troops, America wouldn’t be the country it is today. #supportthetroops


On Twitter July 5th: Do I want to go to Pret a Manger today or Corner Bakery for lunch…. #decisions

10. Post at least three firework photos on Instagram.
Be sure to share at least three pictures from different points in the show to really show how proud you are to be an American.

11. Discuss the specifics of the American flag (incorrectly). There are ten stripes to represent the original colonies and 44 stars to represent each president we’ve had. Everyone knows that.

12. Take a picture holding a sparkler. If you can capture the elusive sparkler heart photo, you’ll have made George Washington proud.

13. Make a Fourth of July recipe that incorporates blueberries. You’d be surprised how few blue fruits there are.

14. Reminisce on the time when you thought listening to Katy Perry’s “Firework” on the Fourth of July was an original idea. Surely no one else has noticed how timely and appropriate this song is…

15. Stop bashing the U.S. government on social media for the day so you can enjoy a few hot dogs without feeling like a hypocrite. Congress will still be shitty tomorrow. Just for tonight, pass the mustard.

16. Buying snap-pops/poppers/those things you throw on the ground that make a gunshot noise. Celebrate the nation’s independence by really scaring the shit out of your neighbors.

17. Pepper all your conversations with the term ‘merica. Happy 4th of July, ‘MERICA! I saw someone wearing an American flag bandanna, ‘MERICA. Inadvertently sat behind a tree at the fireworks show, ‘MERICAAAAAA!

18. Buy Old Navy’s 2014 edition of the infamous flag tee. Because you’re going to need a new pajama shirt or a tee to wear when painting your bedroom. TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

Katie Hoffman

Katie Hoffman is a writer and humorist who works, eats cheesecake, and drinks cosmopolitans in the Chicago area. When …

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