Romantic movies have ruined my life.
Like, my life is never going to resemble anything that ever happens in a “chick flick” (ugh at that name), or even a rom-com for that matter. Does anything romantic ever happen to anyone in real life? My ex of five years ago once showed me his dick on Skype and I gave it a thumbs up. Does that count as romance? If anyone actually attempted to do anything remotely “romantic” to me I would probably recoil in fear. Maybe that’s just me, though. MAYBE I AM EMOTIONALLY STUNTED.
In any case, I’ve decided to get loaded and tear apart the classic movie The Notebook. We all know it. We all love it. If you don’t love it, you’re lying, you liar. I’ve been drinking a very special “liquor” called “Kinky Liquor” and it is pink and probably perfect for hating on love and life in general. Also, puking.
As we all know, The Notebook is an epic tale of love and loss but sometimes, like right now when I am drunk on very sugary pink liquor, it is also the most annoying love story of all time because a lot of things Noah did were actually horrifying things and not adorable things and the 2004 version of me sure did get the wool pulled over her eyes (and maybe also the 2013 version of me because so what if I cried at this movie last week).
1. The whole “let me threaten my life to get you to go on a date with me” thing. REMEMBER HOW THEY EVEN MET? Noah threatened Allie!!! And not in like an “I am posting a really emo YouTube video to your wall” way but an “I am in actual danger” way. He hung from a ferris wheel! And then begged her to go out with him! Anyone would say yes! Like, if that happened outside of the realm of a Nicholas Sparks movie, then that story wouldn’t be cute at all. If you had to tell your friends you met your boo because he dangled from a ferris wheel and threatened to let go unless you went on a date with him, they’d be like, “Oh, honey.” Grand gestures, man. Good in theory, not so great in practice
2. The whole house-building thing. If I bought someone a house and then fixed it up to the exact specifications they mentioned one time five years ago, I would be labeled a stalker. Like, it is super precious in the movie that Noah toils away for approximately one million days over this house, but let’s be real, you know if a lady did that everyone around her would be secretly texting Noah to tell him to run for the hills. But no, with Noah it was Really Beautiful and Amazingly Special, and the fact that he turned down like twice what he had the house listed at was just a testament to his love and yada, yada, yada. Who cares about money and being sensible when you can cling to the wreckage of your love the way Rose Dawson clung to that door in the Atlantic? Plus, it’s totally not fair because Noah’s sadness beard made him even hotter, but if I grew out my sadness leg hair, guys would be repulsed by me, and I’d look even more hopeless than I already did.
3. The whole “I WROTE YOU EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR” thing. Yo. He wrote her every day for a year. Like, okay. I know that her mom was intercepting the letters to save her from a life of POOR, but Noah didn’t know that! He just knew Allie wasn’t writing him back. He seriously needed to cool his jets. Him sending a letter every day to Allie is no better than this guy who is currently terrorizing NYC: http://thisishowyouwinherback.com/. Harassing a woman until she feels broken enough to give in is not howyouwinherback.com. If someone doesn’t answer you for a year, I’d hazard a guess that maybe they don’t want to talk to you. But he just kept on keepin’ on. Letters are the emails of 2013 and you know if someone emailed you every day for a year, you would send that shit to the spam box quicker than you could say “#BYE.” Fucking Noah, man. Again, if Allie had done something like this, the movie would have gone from being adorable to being The Tale of a Stalker.
4. The whole Alzheimer’s thing. It was really special and great that Noah read to Allie and it would “bring her back” and their love moved mountains and No One Else Loved As Hard As They Did, but also remember how she was scared shitless after she slipped away from him again after becoming lucid for a second? REMEMBER HOW THEY HAD TO INJECT HER WITH SEDATIVES JUST TO CALM HER DOWN? THAT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU, NOAH. BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON REMINDING HER ABOUT THE TIME YOU GUYS TOOK A RIDE ON SWAN LAKE 50 YEARS AGO. God. So good job on terrorizing your wife’s last days on earth just because you wanted to have a romantic dinner with her for 40 seconds.
Nicholas Sparks, IDK what happened to you in your life that you feel the need to keep torturing America like this (I present you with this trailer for his newest movie that looks like every other Nicholas Sparks movie), but you need to set us free. SET US FREE, SET ALLIE & NOAH FREE, SET JOSH DUHAMEL AND JULIANNE HOUGH FREE. Guys like the dude from thisishowyouwinherback need to learn that maybe sometimes love is just over and it’s sad and depressing and if you don’t like it, you can go crawl into a bed cave and bury yourself in corn chips and Tumblr like the rest of us do when we’re feeling depressed. And then maybe one day, if you’re lucky, you will find another girl to harass. And hopefully she will not be me.