Kathryn A. Higgins

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We don’t call it clipping anymore. Our expert coupon professors will show you how to find “coupons” on the internet, how to avoid excessive spending on “discount” items, and how to avoid obsession. The class culminates in a group project where you’ll decorate an entire room for less than $1,000.

Verily verily I saith unto thee, this meat is to be cooked by chaste girls of marriageable age – twelve through nineteen years — or by wives who are married. Woe unto unmarried wenches over the age of nineteen whom should make themselves odious by touching the meat; rather it behoves them to occupy themselves with the King James Magazine of Medical Tonics for Olde Hags…

Must be able to entertain children who will wait for hours for the bumbling ill-paid and thus aggrieved Head Nurse to see them. Must be able to tolerate co-workers who spend the whole day either doing Facebook Farm Town or absconding to the back of the nurse’s cabin to smoke.

Try not to say “motherfucker” in front of your twelve-year-old daughter when a minivan randomly cuts you off at sixty-five miles per hour even though the thruway is practically empty and you’re in the middle lane. Fail in your efforts to not say it, and then explain to your twelve-year-old daughter that sometimes, while driving, cursing is healthy and necessary.

Static factors were the road and signage conditions on the drive to the parking lot: sudden forks in the road, no accompanying sign (or an indecipherable one), arbitrarily changing sign colors and sizes, blockage of key signage by light poles, trees, and other signs, fellow drivers under similar stress exhibiting erratic driving and screaming in foreign languages, exorbitant parking lot prices, an invariable lack of parking spaces.

“I thought he was really hot at first,” said Sally Smith (real name withheld), about her new boyfriend. “But now I’m not so sure.” Sitting in the waiting room of her doctor’s office, Smith carefully unbuttoned the top of her shirt to display red, raw looking skin. She is suffering from the same painful skin condition that is afflicting girlfriends and wives of “hot” guys nationwide.

You’ve endured the months (perhaps years) of threatening notices, the drudgery of paperwork, the court dates and legal filings, and now, congratulations! You have your “law date.” Your law date is the day the police can kick you and your stuff to the curb. A smart soon-to-be-homeless person like you will implement a plan for managing the strategic time between now and your law date. Here’s what your plan should include…

Stay up late watching TV. Since you can’t afford HBO or Netflix, you’re going to have to endure a lot of commercials unless you use my trick of checking out DVDs from the library. Staying up cuddling with your remote tonight paves the way for hours of unconsciousness tomorrow.