November 22, 2016

Today Is The Day I Finally Say Goodbye

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 Aki Tolentino
Aki Tolentino

Know your worth. That’s what I’ve had to keep repeating to myself this past year. I’ve gone through heartbreak twice before, and for some reason I thought this time would be easier.

This isn’t my first rodeo, I knew what to expect. Well, here I am 7 months later still in the cycle of heartbreak. I see you about once a week now. No more kisses on the forehead, no more ‘good morning, I hope you have a great day’, no more cuddling on the couch watching funny videos and laughing so hard until I tear up.

The only thing I’m holding onto now are those 12am text messages, cuddling right after we sleep together (sometimes), and every once in a while a dinner (at your house of course) and glass of wine. How did I make this acceptable? How did I let my love for you blind me SO much that even a text message still makes my stomach turn upside down? 

I’ve tried countless ways to move on. Or so I’ve thought. I’ve tried blocking your number for weeks at a time, I’ve tried to get out of my comfort zone, and I’ve tried meeting new people. But I still keep coming back.

I look through those rose colored glasses and remember the good times. The companionship you offered me. The encouragement to be a better person than I was the day before. I could talk to you about anything and thought we could work through our issues together.

Then you gave up. You gave up on us when it got hard. You threw in the towel and didn’t look back.

At first I just thought it was circumstantial. If I moved out of this apartment and lived with another roommate you would come over more, if I lost weight and worked out, you would find me more attractive and wouldn’t need approval from other women who were ‘just friends’, if I didn’t ask you so many questions, maybe eventually you would have more faith in us. I tried so much I didn’t know who I was as a person anymore. I lost that part of myself that just enjoyed life. I was worried and anxious all the time that I eventually didn’t trust my judgement anymore.

For months I tried to understand, tried to tell myself I was better off without you. I knew deep down that was a lie. I thought eventually I would believe it. We both made mistakes, but you completely shut down. When things got hard you pulled away and never looked back. I thought that was a direct reflection of me. Why couldn’t I change the situation? Why couldn’t I bring your love back to me?

It took me so long to open up to someone, when I finally gave my trust to you, you turned around and still had other ‘options’ just in case. I tried for months to give you space, to keep things light, to see you sporadically, but today is the day I finally say goodbye.

You told me you started to date again. You asked if I would be ok with you dating, but we could still sleep together. That was the day my crushed little heart finally shattered into pieces. I thought you needed time to focus on your job, to focus on moving into your house, to focus on yourself. What you really needed was time for me to get over you, so you wouldn’t feel as guilty when you started dating other women.

This whole time I still loved you. Sometimes I wonder if you ever really loved me. I refuse to be the girl you once saw a future with, to the girl who is now your plaything while you date to find someone better. Today is the day I am finally going to know my worth because each day that I wait for you to come back to me, another piece of me breaks inside. I don’t want to be that broken woman anymore. I want to be whole. I want to be respected. Even some day, I want to be loved.

Today is the day I am taking back my worth and saying goodbye for good. Missing you will be just as hard, but I would rather miss you and our memories that we’ve made together, then be in this personal hell I’ve created of ‘never being good enough for you’.  I hope you find what you’re looking for, because I finally accept that it’s not me. TC mark

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