They say that you’re not the same person after leaving a relationship, especially if your significant other has made a big impact in your life.
I have spent days mourning about the absence of the person I fell in love with. Being used to the feeling of you being there, someone to talk to, someone I could count on, and when I encounter problems you’d be there. I’m sad about the person you have become before, while, and after we became together. Always being angry, disappointed, sad, or annoyed at the ways of how our relationship would work.
But after blaming myself a million times, after asking countless times where I went wrong, after asking numerous people on how to move on, after swiping right and left through our pictures, after swiping up and down our texts figuring out where our relationship went wrong, and after going 5 stages of grief over and over again to the point it didn’t become 5 stages, I noticed & I remembered the flaws of our relationship and forgot to thank you.
Thank you for finally getting the courage to tell me upfront that you don’t want me. Thank you for having a cold heart and destroying me. Thank you for asking me to put down my walls just so you could break what I’ve been so badly wanting to protect. Thank you for leaving me the ways you did, bad and good, thick and thin.
1. Thank you for showing me that I deserve more.
If you stayed, I would have been agreed to get my heart stepped on again and again. If you stayed, I wouldn’t have found myself and my new abilities. If you stayed, I would have never explored the world, I would have been stuck in your world just to please you. If you stayed I would have been okay with lukewarm love when I’m supposed to feel all types of love. If you stayed, I wouldn’t have found out how much stronger I am. If you stayed, it would have been okay to always lie to my family, to always hide things from my friends. I’m not happy that you left, but if you stayed I would not be at my happiest. But you left, so I’m thankful.
2. Thank you for showing me how I shouldn’t be treated.
I was so contented with 6 messages per week. I was contented with talking to you twice a week. I was contented with you talking to me when you want to. I was contented with someone not making me a priority. I was contented with someone choosing EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else above me (so much for being your “bae”) I was contented with being another girl to you. I was contented with overthinking. I was contented always being under to you, I always had to understand you.
I was contented not making plans with my family or friends just to have free schedule for you but you’d end up MIA. I was contented with empty promises. I was contented with insensitivity and naive-ness to my feelings. I was contented with always running after you because of your faults and mistakes. I was contented with cold love. But I realised that’s not how I’m supposed to be treated.
3. Thank you for leaving me.
I was so scared to break while you told me you wouldn’t leave me. I was broken before you left me, I was more broken when you did.
I would cry all day, while walking, while eating, with my friends. You have no idea. I’m not saying its sudden, we were expecting it. The thing is, you left me because of the most shallow reason. You made me feel like shit. You made me feel like it was my fault. You made me look so down on myself, when you out of all people know how low I think of myself. You made me blame myself. You broke me. I was in pieces after. If you knew me so well I wanted you so bad, but as you know I would always put everyone’s happiness before mine.
Even if I didn’t want you to let me go, I did because I knew that would make you happy. I would constantly think “what did I do wrong?”. I would find out from other people how shitty you talk about me. But I still blamed myself. I still wasn’t mad at you. Maybe that’s what love does, no matter what you do I’ll still love you.
I still love you now. I love that you left me because it made me realise how much stronger I am. I’m still broken, I’m still insecure, I’m still scared, but that’ll go away eventually. I’m coming out stronger and happier.
Thank you. That’s all I want to say.
I can do what finally makes me happy.
Because of you, this is for me.