I remember getting that final text from you, “You are an amazing girl and you deserve so much better than me.” I got it on a Sunday during work while I snuck a peek at my phone.
Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? Having to experience those few moments filled with desperate gasps for air that doesn’t come. Maybe I’m being dramatic but it felt like that when you sent me that and then so casually tossed me aside, blocked me on not just some things but everything. No, we hadn’t been seeing each other long, just over four months. But that was enough time to invest myself in you, observe and memorize the various curves and curls of your body. It was enough time to decide that I wanted you in my life.
The thing is: I’m sure you thought that last message would soften the blow. You probably thought it would make me feel better about what happened. I bet you might’ve even thought that that was the best thing to say in our situation. But, in all actuality, you made me feel worse about the situation than if you had just ghosted me.
I never once thought I deserved better than you. Because if that thought had ever crossed my mind, I wouldn’t have ever decided to spend my time, money, and feelings on you. It’s like telling someone who’s about to buy a chocolate chip cookie that they deserve something better, perhaps a cake. They could’ve had a cake but they chose the cookie. Who is anybody to decide that somebody deserves better than what they choose?
Not only was that last text degrading to yourself, it also showed that you think I don’t what’s for me. It breaks my heart that you could think so little of yourself, that you weren’t deserving of me. But at the same time you didn’t think I was deserving of you, did you? I think ultimately, that was a cowardly way to go. Especially since I was so willing to work past any issues you had with yourself, with me. Maybe it’s just me, but, I would never give up on someone who was so for me.
Though I suppose that’s where we are different, huh? And I thank you for doing this, truly. It’s been months since we last spoke and I’ve realized that you can’t make someone want to be in your life. You can’t make somebody like you or stay. No matter what you say or do, and you had every right to leave. But I think the most important thing you taught me is that I’m an emotional creature. I feel strongly and fall quickly, which was a major factor in your departure. However I also now know that there is nothing wrong with me being like that. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting that but it does not mean that we didn’t deserve each other. It just means that one day we’ll each find solace in partners who appreciate our quirks.
The thing is: we don’t deserve anybody. We don’t have a right to any human being nor are we undeserving. In this big scary universe, the only thing we deserve is understanding and we could not give that to each other. So, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you find that someday. You do deserve that.