You don’t have to get on my case for the fact that I wrote this article, I’ve been laughing to myself about it the whole time. Not that the subject matter is laughable, just the fact that I’m actually sitting here seriously writing a list about orgasm types but hey, it’s like the kids say on the internet these days. YOLO. Emphasis on the big O.

1. The long build and short fuse. The orgasm that gives you a super short period of really intense build before you’re just thrown over the edge… you feel me on this one, right? It’s like, oh, I was liking this, things weren’t getting too crazy too fast and then all of a fucking sudden I’m saying “don’t stop” over and over again like this all unfolded so quickly but hey #notcomplaining I guess.

2. The one you were cheated out of. The one that happens and you’re like, okay, that was incredibly lackluster like why did my facial expression not change it was a few contractions and that was it. What the actual fuck this is NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

3. The over-dramatized. We’ve all watched porn. We all play roles now and again. We can just be honest about it already.

4. The underplayed. The one where you’re trying to not look like a thrusting ball of screaming crazy like grabbing onto things and spazzing out… this is usually reserved for lights-on sex. You try to keep it to a cool, casual, cute moan (also let me know if you master this and feel free to offer some tips because I struggle with subtly in every form it comes in).

5. The angry one. The one where you have to tense your legs and rub/rock/lick/fuck really really hard and it’s not some pleasant, cinematic gentle rise to climax it’s angry and forceful and like GOD I just want this to happen already I’m not even having it with my body anymore let’s GO.

6. The actual, literal loss of control/do really weird things one. I give credit to porn stars because I definitely look weird as fuck while I’m having an orgasm like I can’t be alone in thinking this… and honestly, we all look weird unless you really like/love someone. Then it’s beautiful. Otherwise… eh. Debatable. Maybe you’re all better people than me and think everyone looks good whilst doing it… I’m sure you’ll let me know in the comments ;).

7. The quickie. If you don’t have a go-to fantasy that will get you off at a 0-60 MPH pace for when you really just need to quickly rub one out and be on your way, you are cheating yourself, my friend. Also if you haven’t discovered the art of masturbation as many of my lady friends CLAIM they have not well I am so sorry for you because I a) think you should at least try it and b) I think you’re lying because women especially have this weird thing where it’s gross when they touch themselves but when men do it, well… boys will be boys!

8. The I wish I weren’t orgasming right now but I am anyway god dammit. Sometimes it’s not just the orgasm that makes being with someone wonderful. Actually, I think that oftentimes it’s the experience as a whole. Sometimes you don’t want it to end but your bod has other plans.

9. The this is weird, I wasn’t expecting to get turned on by this, wow I’m so turned on by this… is this weird? Oh okay well here we go never mind one. Do you guys ever get really turned on by strange things/”dirty” things that you never thought you’d be interested in but all of a sudden it’s getting you off? I’ll be honest that’s happened to me a few times and I’ve sufficiently freaked myself out but hey, sexuality is what it is. We’re not here to judge, we’re just here to come.