Thought Catalog
December 19, 2016

I’m A Complete Mess, But I’m Worthy Of Love

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Unsplash, Noah Hinton
Unsplash, Noah Hinton

I know I’m a lot. Being with me can be a rollercoaster and I understand your frustration. Sometimes I get upset with you about something someone else did, because I’m afraid you’ll do it too.

I pull away when I get too vulnerable. I over-analyze every word you say and, yes, everything you don’t say. I assume the worst, because it seems easier to expect disappointment than to be caught off guard by it.

I’ve never been with anyone who wanted to hang around before so it’s hard to believe that you do.

I expect to say the wrong thing or be too affectionate or care too much and make you run away. I’m nervous to truly be myself or to feel too safe with you, because that’s when people have pulled the rug out from under me and I don’t want to get hurt again.

I have anxiety that exasperates me twice as much as it does you, trust me. I spiral once I get a single negative thought in my head. If I could prevent my anxiety from latching onto you and obsess over something else, I would.

The thing is, though, I have no control over you and I. It’s scary.

Logically, I know I should be able to calm down and trust in you. More importantly, I know I should be able to trust myself. I should be trusting enough to believe what you say. But I’m not. Please be patient with me — I’m working on it.

My depression will creep up on both of us when we least expect it. Something small will trigger it. Sometimes nothing at all will make me cripplingly sad and it will take a lot for me to break out of it.

I get embarrassed when it shows up. I’ll feel fragile and broken and useless. It means I won’t understand why you want to be with me and I’ll try to talk you out of it. I’ll be incredibly cruel to myself. Please be kind. Hold me while I cry. You can’t fix it. It just is.

I’m far from the perfect woman. I’ve got some baggage and it’s not always easy to deal with that.

But you aren’t perfect, either. Sometimes you’re sullen and surly. Sometimes I annoy you with my questions and my constant need for attention and affirmation. Sometimes it baffles me how much you don’t need those things.

But I won’t hold a grudge when I’m angry. I’ll always tell you how I feel, sometimes to a fault, and I’ll respect how you feel. I am radically understanding. Give me the benefit of the doubt.

I promise you that for every challenging moment we have I will love you twice as hard as any other woman would. I’ll make you laugh and give you warm fuzzies. I’ll surprise you with your favorite candy and learn every word to your favorite song.

I want to know everything about you and I will always be an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. I won’t go anywhere.

Yes, I want to meet your mom. I want to see your face light up when you tell me about that weird fandom you secretly love. I want to wear stupid couples costumes to Halloween parties and matching ugly sweaters for Christmas. I want to laugh at inside jokes with you and hold your hand in the grocery store. I want to cheer you up when you’re sad, but I’ll understand if I can’t.

I might hate your cargo shorts, but I won’t tell you to change your style unless you try to wear them to a formal event. I’ll cheer you on and believe in you twice as hard as you believe in yourself.

I’ll love fiercely and unconditionally. I want you to love me the same way, as messy and fantastic as I am. TC mark

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