It is my sincerest request that men stop behaving like having to wear a condom during sex is their sole cross to bear. We get it. It lessens the sensation. It’s rubbery and uncomfortable on your skin. Everything about the design and the way you wear it sucks. But please, for the love of all that is good and horny in this world, stop making a huge song and dance about it.

Here’s the thing we all know about condoms: they dramatically reduce your chances of getting an STD and of getting pregnant. So all in all, they are good, useful and necessary to the practice of sex, in cases where you don’t know anything about your partner’s sexual health, and where you’d prefer to not fertilize/be fertilized. So hooray for condoms! Let’s all continue to use them and have responsible, safe sex! Three cheers for not having unwanted pregnancies! High fives to an absence of syphilis and HIV!

And yet men continue to moan every time the rubber comes out–not all men of course, admittedly, there’s the odd guy with half a brain and a dash of sense that won’t try to slip his way out of having to use protection. But overwhelmingly, guys like to have a cry when it’s time to wrap old faithful up for a little bit of push and shove. There are even guys who lose their erection when a condom comes within close vicinity of their dick–or even upon hearing mention of the word, as if you started screaming “Voldemort, VOLDEMORT!” at his penis mid foreplay. Well boo hoo, I am dialing the wahmbulance as we speak.

So this is what I have to say to the guys that don’t want to use protection but still want to fuck: suck it the hell up. Women hate condoms too. Think about how that sheath of latex feels suctioned around your dick, and now imagine the inverse–imagine the friction of the rubber on your skin, and the feeling of it actually inside you. Think about how when you put your condom on and you lose your erection–imagine instead you lose your lubrication, and have to endure the inching, bunching, rubbing of the condom against your opening.

Condoms are a lot like democracy–they’re not perfect, but they’re the best form of (genital) government we’ve got. Everyone (men and women inclusive) would love to have full, un-latexed feeling during sex. But that just ain’t going to happen. Us girls got the memo–we know how to take our lumps–so it’s high time guys stopped trotting out the pity party along with the rubber.

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