How To Have A One Night Stand
I have slept with a lot of people once, but I have only ever had one true one night stand, in which I never saw the guy again. I’m even such a bad bitch, I can’t remember his name. Wild, I know.
I met him at a bar through some mutual friends one summer, and we flirted a lot, drank a lot, made out on the dance floor, then on the way back to his house I puked in the street behind a car. It was overwhelmingly romantic. At his house, we talked about all the sort of existential crap you, for whatever reason, feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger about when you’re wasted, but that you would never talk about with any of your actual friends because they’d just call you out for being a total douche bag. He made me a cup of tea, and we sat on his balcony smoking cigarettes for a bit, before I finally wrapped my legs around him and he carried me to the bedroom.
After a lovely night of grand, self-indulgent conversation and post-spew kissing, everything suddenly went… well, the way things go when you have sex with someone that has no intention of seeing you ever again. Essentially, he rubbed one out in me, which was both awkward and very, very selfish, and I was just drunk and complacent enough to let him do it, accepting the fact that I was just going to have shit sex that would end with me trying to figure out exactly what neighborhood I was in and how I was going to get home at 4am in the morning. I know I should have asked for more, but I was kind of ambivalent toward the whole situation, not in the least because I didn’t even really like the guy in question, I just thought he was really hot.
From this sort of weird and definitely disappointing experience, I learned everything I know about one night stands, which is mostly that I’d prefer to pass out on my own after a night out, in my own bed, with a half eaten burrito in my hand than have boring sex with someone who insists on telling me to to fuck his “beautiful cock”. Not in the least because I am old and sleepy and 4am is a ridiculous hour to be doing anything physical at. Actually, why is anyone even awake at 4am (shakes fist at pesky kids). But if average sex and casual encounters are more important to you than, say, burritos and your REM cycle, here’s some tips to help you get through the night:
Have No Fucks To Give
I’m pretty sure your one night stand is doomed if you are giving fucks. Do not stress about what the other person thinks of you. All they need to think about you is that they would like to rub junk with you. Do not stress about what your body looks like naked or if you’re doing this or that right; again, the only thing that matters here is that two consenting adults want to have sex with each other; your tummy-smile roll of fat does not matter. It doesn’t matter if the other person reveals themselves to be a Republican, or worse, a vegan; this person is essentially grey matter around some genitals to you right now. This is not a marriage proposal; it’s sex. You can even pretend to be texting if you walk past this person on the street next week — that’s how few fucks you should be giving right now.
Be Chill With The Fact That The Other Person Has No Fucks To Give Too
If the other person is being apathetic towards your feelings then you’ve hit the jackpot; they have no fucks to give. Don’t secretly hope that they’ll ask for your number. Don’t get offended because you feel like “this is only about sex”. It is only about sex. Be OK with this person not caring about how mean your boss was to you on Wednesday, or not wanting to hear about your tumultuous childhood and how your father disappointed you so much now you find it hard to trust people — everyone left their fucks at the door, so you need to be very, very realistic about your emotional expectations.
No Glove, No Love
Girls, Don’t Be A Cum Bucket; Get Yours
Not giving fucks doesn’t mean you need to resign yourself to a completely terrible experience like I did, however. Girls, if he’s jackrabbiting into you like a sixteen year old boy, DO SOMETHING about it. A one night stand is essentially two people who just want what they want, and probably aren’t so interested in investing any sort of serious time into figuring out how to press the other person’s buttons, knowing they’ll never be pressing said buttons again. So girls, don’t be shy or ashamed; get on top, do your grind or whatever it is you need to do to get your rocks off, then you can let him get back to his very urgent busy work.
Guys, Relax A Little
Just because it’s a one night stand doesn’t mean you should jerk off into a girl and be done after seven strokes. Calm the fuck down. This is everyone’s party, and for the amount of ground work you’ve probably put in over the course of the evening, don’t be so selfish as to allow this culmination of whiskey shots and slurred bar banter end in an over zealous spray of body fluids. As above, give the lovely girl you’re inside of a moment to get hers too.
Place — Don’t Throw — Your Clothes
Maybe it’s sexier to throw clothes all about the place when you’re swept up in the passion of a moment but know this: there is nothing sexy about bumbling about in the dark with your knickers around your knees and one sock on trying to find where your clothes have disappeared to while also trying not to wake the other person. You will stub at least one toe.
It’s OK To Cuddle For A Bit After
You’re horny morons, not monsters. Bring it in for a little cuddle before you never see each other again.
You are Batman. You are one with the shadows. Once you’re sure the other person is asleep and it’s safe to sneak out, be lithe and serpentine. Leave like you were never there to begin with. Don’t “forget” or even actually forget anything there–you never want to see the person you just fucked again. And no, do not go home and stalk them on Facebook, the greatest enemy of one-night standing.
Know Where You Are
This is kind of a sensible safety thing, but also a good way to avoid awkward situations. Know what neighborhood you’re in at all times, and how to escape from it and get back to yours. I would text a friend the address too, just in case the person you’ve gone home with is a psycho killer that wants to wear your skin as a hat; at least then your friend (or if you’re really lucky, Liam Neeson) can avenge your death. And when you’re in someone else’s apartment remember how you got from the front door to their bedroom; you don’t want to be the person they remember as “walked into my roommate’s room half dressed at 4am”.
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If your inner child could see you now, they would weep with the virulence of learning that Santa doesn’t exist. While you’re on your daily quest for fiber and regularity, remember that ghost of your innocence and mix it up every once in a while.
Epic music + gorgeous video + awesome boots = this.
Not sure which is worse, having a boyfriend who cheats or a boyfriend who systematically plots to slaughter all my witch friends.
Underwear Man stood in the front yard of my friend Dean’s house everyday at 1:45 in the morning for six weeks.